The Passage of Time

I  discovered this quote from singer/songwriter Jack Johnson, on one of my facebook friend's profile. It reads like this:

" And if they tell you love fades over time,tell them there is no such thing as time. "


Many expectations in our society have revolved around having a set time period for resolving our grief. In six months to a year it was generally expected that one would "be over" their grief and return to life as we knew it. The reality is that any loss we experience permanently changes our world and that there is no set time period to resolve it. For many of us who have experienced losses that have defied the laws of the universe( such as the death of a child), our world is forever changed and we never get over our loss. We  get through it by learning to live with both joy and sadness, while simultaneously making a decision to find meaning again by celebrating our children's lives. In the process we find meaning through service to others.  There is no set time frame. As individuals, we all take different paths to finding meaning as a result of our struggles with loss. We need to be able to unconditionally support every individual's journey and bear witness to it. Also,we can experience the intense pain of loss at anytime during our journeys, depending what is going on with us in the present moment. One, five, ten or twenty years, it doesn't matter. Our grief journeys are circular rather than linear.
The death of my daughter Jeannine has taught me to re-evaluate not only my values but the traditional expectation that time heals all wounds. Time hasn't and won't heal the wounds for me associated with the physical absence of Jeannine. What the passage of time has helped me do is adjust to her physical absence and develop a different kind of relationship with her.  My earthly journey and spiritual relationship will continue to evolve until the day that I cross over.  And then......... it will continue, for eternity.

Peace In My Time

As I rapidly approach Jeannine's eighth angelversary date( 3/1) I find myself being more at peace with her physical absence. Don't get me wrong, there are days when the pain of her absence is and will be as intense as it was in my early grief, but overall I have felt less emotional turmoil than in past years. I think that in addition to being able to better manage the emotional roller coaster of my grief, I have developed a greater level of understanding about the wondrous  spiritual relationship that I enjoy with Jeannine, that is ongoing and dynamic. I always felt that my relationship with Jeannine was ongoing, but the past few months have taken my understanding to a whole new level. And for that I am grateful.

I am also grateful for the number of wonderful people who have graced me with their presence on my journey. I have also discovered that the support network I have during my eighth year of my journey is different than it was in the beginning. Many of the people who offered their support in the beginning are not a part of my current support network now. In my early grief, I would have lamented about their absence. Today, I realize that they were just as important to my adjustment to life without the physical presence of Jeannine. I have come to believe that the connections that I made with them were destined to be for a short period of time. It is unrealistic to believe that our support network will ever stay the same. What is important to me is that we continue to recognize the need for ongoing support and utilize those individuals who can best support us in our journeys, at the present time.  We may make lifetime connections or not, but any quality support we can avail ourselves of is all good.

May your days be peaceful and fulfilling.

" Change 'll happen whether we are still or moving" -From the song "Little Heaven" by Toad the Wet Sprocket"

Warren Zevon

Warren Zevon was a brilliant American songwriter and musician who made many brilliant recordings during his lifetime. He was diagnosed in 2002 with inoperable mesothelioma and died in September of 2003. He refused treatments that he thought would interfere with the quality of his remaining life and decided instead to use the time left to record his final album ,The Wind.  A true work of art, this recording contains a stunning cover of Bob Dylan's ,Knocking on Heaven's Door and a hauntingly beautiful song called Keep Me in Your Heart.  Whenever I hear the latter song, it reminds me of both the importance of remembering and staying connected to our loved ones who have crossed over. The Wind was one of the first Cd's that I purchased after my daughter Jeannine died in 2003.  I admire Zevon for using the knowledge of his impending death to make perhaps his most significant contribution to the American music scene.

One of the most important lessons that can be learned from Warren Zevon's life is how he chose to handle his impending death. Rather than run away from it, he embraced it as an opportunity to make one last recording whose message will resonate with many generations to come.

Some Lessons That I Have Learned on My Journey

Since my daughter Jeannine died, at the age of 18 almost eight years ago, I have learned many valuable lessons  :
1. The more that we allow the universe to be our guide,the more that our redefined purpose becomes clearer.
2. We do experience joy again in a world that has forever changed because of the physical absence of our loved ones.
3. Look all around you, not just straight ahead. You may find a bright light of hope through a dark cloud.
4.When you open yourself up to a continuing bond with your deceased loved ones, that bond may transcend to others in your life.
5. Shared pain with others who understand that pain is a gateway to hope.
6. Surrender to the journey, surrender my life to God.
7. That the best parts of my daughter are now a part of me. Pieces of Jeannine are now pieces of me.

Take care

Dave

What Dosen't Kill Us

I am sure that at one time or another we have heard the  expression: "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." It is an expression that I believe is meant to provide comfort and encouragement to those who have experienced a death.  Several people said that to me after my daughter Jeannine died.  I had trouble  buying into that concept, and certainly wasn't comforted and encouraged by it. When Jeannine died , I experienced a death of another kind. Very simply, a part of me died when Jeannine did.  In my early grief ,what appeared as strength to others ,was survival to me.  My struggle with Jeannine's death eventually forced me to re-evaluate my beliefs, values and priorities in a world where she was not physically present. I was able to identify a new purpose in life that involved finding meaning by (among other things) companioning other parents who have experienced the death of a child.  So for me it was: "What killed me, ended up redefining me."

Wishing you all peace and enlightenment on your life journeys

The Musical Journey of Grief

First of all I hope that everyone had a very joyful and fun filled long weekend. I have frequently said that no two people grieve alike. I believe that extends to creative ways of expressing our pain of loss as well. After my daughter Jeannine's death in 2003, music was the primary vehicle that I used to express the raw pain of my early grief. It was also my primary means of staying connected to Jeannine after she died. I think that music was a primary form of expression for me because of: 1) my love of it, 2) Jeannine's love of it, 3) the shared memories that we had involving music.  Before I go on, I must tell you that I do not play an instrument and my singing is not pretty on a good day. But I have a deep appreciation for brilliant music and lyrics . During my early grief , a song or even certain lyrics from a song helped me conceptualize how I was feeling and brought me some comfort. Now , during later grief, music continues to provide me with not only comfort, but joy again, particularly when I hear a song that Jeannine and I both loved.

Artists like the Counting Crows, Wallflowers, Tom Petty, Jackson Browne, The Goo Goo Dolls and Jackson Browne have at one time or another been a part of my support community that has allowed me to adjust to the reality of life without the physical presence of Jeannine. Two of the best memories that I have of Jeannine and my life together were at two Goo Goo Dolls concerts.

There are many other creative ways that we can express our grief. I encourage anyone dealing with loss to find that creative outlet that best connects you with your child or loved one. After all it is never about letting go, but always about hanging on.

Let it Be

 During my journey after Jeannine's death, I have discovered that the people who have graced my life, more often than not have found me ,more than I have found them. The opportunities that I have had to be of service to others has pretty much developed in the same fashion.

What does this all mean? Does it mean that if we put no effort into bettering our situation that good fortune will automatically grace us with its presence?  What it means to me is that our ability to make the most out of the present moment, allows us to develop the faith and trust in the universe to meet our spiritual and emotional needs.Trust that the universe knows what we need and will help us fulfill or redefine those needs in time.  My ability to develop faith and trust in a divine plan greater than mine has allowed me to develop more peace, joy and purpose amidst sadness, in a world lacking the physical presence of my daughter Jeannine.

There are days where I do struggle with staying in the present because of the emotional roller coaster that is a part of our journeys as bereaved parents.  But I find now that I am usually able to manage those days better and not beat myself up for having them. Progress made on this journey is never progress lost.


I wish you all the best wishes for a wondrous New Year filled with joy and self-discovery.