Thoughts on Down The Hallway: The Story of One Woman's Journey with Dissociative Identity Disorder

I worked in the human services field for 27 years with individuals who experienced challenges with chemical dependency. Many of those with whom I worked also had co-existing mental health concerns, many of which were precipitated by severe childhood trauma and abuse. I also learned that there were many grief issues that trauma victims experienced ,many of which were due to non- death related losses. There was  the loss of childhood dreams, innocence, and faith in the ability of their biological parents to take care of them; keep them safe. 

I have read many books on dealing with individuals who have experienced trauma but none which had an impact on me as much as  Down The Hallway: The Story of One Woman's Journey with Dissociative Identity Disorder by  Sherry E. Showalter   Through Dr. Showalter's work with Charmaine , we learn that she is beautiful, resilient and authentic. Her willingness and desire to take you down the hallway so that she could uncover the origins of her abuse is testimony to her courage and determination to find peace and clarity. I felt as if I was walking with both Charmaine and Dr. Showalter, down that hallway.This is a book that once you pick up, you will not want to put down . Charmaine's journey will inspire anyone who has dealt with or is currently dealing with challenging life circumstances.

This is a book that should be required reading for every college student in America who is thinking about going into the human service field and for any professional currently in the field. Dr. Showalter is a gifted, skilled and intuitive therapist who knows how to invite individuals into the process of therapy, create a safe environment , empower them to find their own truth and ultimately take responsibility for their healing. Dr. Showalter also demonstrates the power of creative ,out of the box thinking in working with individuals with challenging histories. She also allows us to see Charmaine as a person with innate gifts, that transcends diagnostic labels,which ultimately may be the greatest teaching in her book .

Dr. Showalter's book also reinforced my existing beliefs on working with trauma victims. From my experience , if trauma victims feel safe they will do the work. Once empowered, they will take us where they need to go,;all we need to do is bear witness and provide our observations if welcomed. From my experience this also is an approach that works effectively with grieving individuals as well.

I would recommend without reservation adding this book to your Kindle or paperback book collection. Dr. Showalter's and Charmaine's teachings will stay with me for the remainder of my life.

Here is the link to the book on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Down-Hallway-Dissociative-Identity-Disorder/dp/1492247154/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1388427541&sr=1-1&keywords=down+the+hallway+

Here is also the link to Dr. Showalter's personal website

http://www.drsherryeshowalter.com

Have a safe, fulfilling and prosperous 2014.

The Message is in the Smoke

Feeling Disconnected
Last evening( 12/26/13) I spent some time with my daughter Jeannine. I hadn't spent quality time with her since August of this year. Since her ninth angelversary date, I make it a point to carve out time to spend with her in ritual and ceremony not only on her birthday or angelversary date but anytime I felt the urge. I always developed a sense of peace and increased clarity after our visits. Since August my schedule was full, between three college classes , helping to plan a candle lighting ceremony with our local Compassionate Friends steering committee,  and facilitating monthly bereavement support group meetings for families who experienced the death of a child. My interactions with my students and families were always fulfilling but as Christmas came and went, I felt increasingly empty and disconnected from myself and out of balance. The imbalance I experienced was due to the fact that I didn't carve out any time to nourish my soul; and to spend time with someone whom I love passionately and unconditionally. In the process of taking care of others, I neglected to take care of my needs.  I took some definitive steps yesterday at 7:30 pm to address the imbalance.

Smoke and Light

On my desk, I placed a  green sage and citrus candle that we had burned at our Compassionate Friends candle lighting ceremony to the left of me, and incense holder in the center, and an orange candle that came with a wolf medallion, to the right. I lit both candles and incense ,played some quiet meditative music and held Jeannine in my thoughts. I also looked to the smoke of the incense and the light of the candles for further inspiration.

The Teachings

Shortly after our ceremony commenced , I was experiencing thoughts that were coming through me at a faster than normal pace. I got the urge to write these thoughts down so that I wouldn't forget them. Before I proceeded however, I asked for Jeannine's permission to do so. I did not want my writing to detract from the time that we were spending together, sacred time. However, I got the clear sense that she wanted me to write, so I did. Here is what came through me and where appropriate, the part of the ceremony that inspired these thoughts :

• I lit at least two different type of incense sticks and what I noticed with both is that the smoke was divided into two distinct parallel paths that would occasionally intersect. Here is what occurred to me in that moment: Respect the uniqueness of our paths, allow for autonomy, yet know that our paths, though parallel will intersect when spirit deems it to be time. In autonomy then, there is oneness, universality.
• The flames of the candles also were different. The flame on the citrus and sage candle was dancing with a frenetic energy. The candle was on my left side and the left side represents the feminine. Jeannine, in this lifetime danced with frenetic energy. Further validation of her presence. The flame on the candle located to the right of me burned slow and steady.  Here is the thought that followed: Some flames dance, others illuminate in stillness. Each flame unique, but together provides an energy , a life force that helps us negotiate the darkness that challenges sometimes bring, a darkness that we sometimes allow to consume us. Of course we are human and can't avoid it. Let us embrace it (the darkness) and find clarity in the flame; the flame of darkness. The flame of darkness now becomes our friend.
• Others' journeys will find us as long as we attend to our path and walk it with honor and integrity
• When we are empowered ,our paths cross by choice, not by force. We share with each other and witness for each other, and our journeys become more enriched. We share our enriched teachings with others who become witness to the transformation and they in turn share with others. Sharing for sharing's sake, releasing ego and agenda, gives us an earth in balance.

Alright For Now

After the meditative music was complete, I dialed up the play list that Jeannine and I put together for her ninth angelversary and hit the shuffle button. I also asked her to give me a signal as to when our time should come to an end. If it were up to me, I would not have wanted it to end. The feelings of peace and bliss I experienced  were powerful. 

Our time together ended with this song by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers called Alright for Now.  This line in the song told me it was time to go...... for now:

Sleep tight baby

Unfurl your brow 

And know I love you

We're alright for now

Christmas 2013 or is it New Years?

As my 58th  Christmas in this lifetime comes to a close, here are some thoughts, I'd like to share with you all.

• Russell Wilson of the Seattle Seahawks is a class act. In this age of egotistical and in some cases ,clueless athletes, he is refreshing with his gentle demeanor,humility, genuineness, and commitment to service. He keeps Christmas in his heart every day of the year.
• Many mornings when I wake up a random song starts playing effortlessly in my head. Today when I woke up, it was the song "New Years Day" by  U2.  I have yet to see the synchronicity ; perhaps George Carlin crawled into my body.
• In October of this year, Cheri and I became surrogate grandparents for my son Dan's two cats Zoe and Nitske. So with Bootsy and Angel, we now have four creatures of the night in our home. All of  them have very unique characteristics and have proven to be great teachers to me. I will expand on this more in another post.
•  When friends and family ask me what I want for Christmas, I struggle to give them a list of material gift ideas. So I don't. Any material object that I desire, I can buy for myself anyway. The only gift that I desire every year is for my friends and family to experience peace and good health during this time of the year. Don't get me wrong, if someone decides to buy me a gift, I am grateful ; it is just not a priority for me anymore.
• I find myself missing Jeannine's physical presence more during this time of the year than any other. Though I miss her physical presence I do not ruminate over the fact that she is not here for the holidays. I sometimes fantasize what it would be like to have one more earthly day with her, but even if my wish were granted, one day would never be enough anyway. I gave her permission to grow in spirit long ago, and I know in my heart that she is with me every day and with others whom I care for deeply. 
• Entitlement is another word, like coincidence ,which is no longer a part of my vocabulary.  Gratitude is a word that I use often, now .
• I have been blessed with many supportive friends, spiritual teachers and family. They are the gifts that keep on giving to me all the year round. 
• I visibly wince when someone tells me that they do not have choices. To deny your free will to me, is the ultimate form of disempowerment. However all choices have consequences. I have tried to choose wisely and encourage others to do the same. 
• Choices that do not turn out as planned should not be viewed as mistakes in judgment, but rather as opportunities for improvement.
• You can see yourself as a person who pumps gas for a living or as a petroleum transfer engineer. It is all about perspective.
• I was recently reminded that it is important to express my gratitude for teachings that are revealed to me and view them as true blessings. 
• The older I get the more I realize that there is  more to learn, and that I am ready to embrace those teachings from anywhere, anybody and anything. I never not want to be unteachable.
• I always tell my students never to preface a question with the phrase, "Just out of curiosity" because it is redundant.

It is my hope that all who read this has a peace filled holiday season filled with many many moments of joy. 

Kyrie Eleison Down The Road That I Must Travel

Clarity Through Music

The older I become, the greater the urge  to revisit music from my past. Certain lyrics have triggered thoughts and  teachings that have given me clarity during the journey following the death of my 18-year- old daughter Jeannine in 2003. Besides I prefer the music of the 80's and 90's over  the majority of what passes for music today.

Welcome to the Real World

Welcome to the real world

there is so much to learn

Lyrics from the song Welcome to the Real World by Mr. Mister

My wife Cheri and I have been trying to downsize as we are currently living alone. In my attempt to contribute to the mission, I have been going through the many compact music discs that I have collected over the years and putting aside some for my youngest son ,Matt .A couple of days ago, I rediscovered a compact disc from 1985 titled Welcome to the Real World  by Mr. Mister. It had been one of my favorite Cd's from the 80's, but I hadn't listened to it in a long time. I started listening to it again and rediscovered all of the reasons I liked Mr. Mister in the first place. There was one song in particular that resonated with me ,in the context of my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child.

Kyrie Eleison

Kyrie was one of Mr. Mister's most recognizable songs; the full title Kyrie Eleison is Greek for "Lord Have Mercy". I remember reciting this phrase silently and sometimes out loud during Jeannine's illness and after her death. After being drawn to listen to this song numerous times, I decided to explore what asking for mercy meant for me in early grief and what it means to me today. The Free Online Dictionary has many definitions for the word mercy. These are the two that resonated with me: Alleviation of distress; relief and something of good fortune; blessing.  In early grief, I routinely asked for relief from the extreme emotional pain and distress that I experienced day in and day out, after Jeannine's death.  However, I eventually learned that my pain would become manageable only if I was willing to sit with it, learn from it and be transformed by it. Today when I ask for mercy, it is because I desire to be blessed by the presence of those individuals who are of the highest level of thought and who will witness my continued transformation on the road that I must now travel. I am happy to say that today I am blessed with many people in my support group who have continued to inspire me with their presence and their teachings.

My "Chosen" Road

When I was young I thought of growing old

of what my life would mean to me

would I have followed down my chosen road 

or only wished what I could be

Lyrics from the song Kyrie by Mr. Mister

After my 25th birthday, it seemed that the next 33 years of my life were a blur. Certainly, the life that I am living now, is different than the life I envisioned myself living. When I was younger I envisioned myself getting married, having children and a successful career.  This was the road I chose for myself and one whose path I thought I could control. Jeannine's death quickly taught me that any control I thought I had was simply an illusion. The universe reminded who was in charge. As a result, a different road has been chosen for me. It is a road that I did not wish for but have now chosen to embrace because of the teachings I have discovered about grief, service, life and death.  I also know that this is a road that I do not travel alone. In addition to my earth "soul family", Jeannine is my constant guide and companion from the other side. Together they have contributed to the metamorphosis that I have undergone to this point in time. 

 The North Shield

I e-mailed this post on 12/18/13 to  my good friend Patty Furino, who responded with : "I like it ,but it feels like you left something out." Patty is not only a good friend, but an important member of my "soul family" and witness to my journey. So her input is something that I always strongly consider. After I received Patty's comments, I reviewed my post again but could not immediately figure out what I could have left out. So I decided to leave it alone. I trusted that spirit would guide me in the right direction, when the time was right. 

Today( 12/21/13), I woke up and had a strong urge to draw a card from The Sacred Path Cards. The cards accompany the book: Sacred Path Cards: The Discovery of Self Through Native Teachings by Jamie Sams.  Letting my intuition be my guide, I drew The North Shield card.  On pages 110 and 111, Sams discusses the application of the North Shield to our daily lives. Here are some excerpts:

Some type of wisdom is coming your way, if you have chosen The North Shield card. You are now being asked to show gratitude for these new understandings in order to continue the growth process. The North Shield tells you that you have learned a lesson and derived from it a sense of self that will serve you for the rest of your life. The successful completion of this lesson should be marked by prayers of thanksgiving or acknowledged in gratitude. Remember that the gift of wisdom is in the heart of the recipient and remains alive as long as it is honored as a blessing.

I previously alluded to the metamorphosis that I have undergone in my journey as a result of the teachings that I have discovered, Jeannine's influence and the presence of my earth "soul family". Sams reminds me that  the wisdoms or understandings that can arise from any discovered  teachings are additional gifts that need to be acknowledged and honored as blessings. So perhaps we can discover mercy in teachings that are revealed to us , and in the process share those teachings with others who are traveling roads that they did not willingly embrace. These shared teachings/wisdoms need to be honored as blessings not only by the messenger but by the recipients who  then inspire others with these  or  other wisdoms they have discovered.  Imagine this type of a chain reaction and the impact it will have on our planet; mercy and peace will reign supreme.