Thoughts on Down The Hallway: The Story of One Woman's Journey with Dissociative Identity Disorder

I worked in the human services field for 27 years with individuals who experienced challenges with chemical dependency. Many of those with whom I worked also had co-existing mental health concerns, many of which were precipitated by severe childhood trauma and abuse. I also learned that there were many grief issues that trauma victims experienced ,many of which were due to non- death related losses. There was  the loss of childhood dreams, innocence, and faith in the ability of their biological parents to take care of them; keep them safe. 

I have read many books on dealing with individuals who have experienced trauma but none which had an impact on me as much as  Down The Hallway: The Story of One Woman's Journey with Dissociative Identity Disorder by  Sherry E. Showalter   Through Dr. Showalter's work with Charmaine , we learn that she is beautiful, resilient and authentic. Her willingness and desire to take you down the hallway so that she could uncover the origins of her abuse is testimony to her courage and determination to find peace and clarity. I felt as if I was walking with both Charmaine and Dr. Showalter, down that hallway.This is a book that once you pick up, you will not want to put down . Charmaine's journey will inspire anyone who has dealt with or is currently dealing with challenging life circumstances.

This is a book that should be required reading for every college student in America who is thinking about going into the human service field and for any professional currently in the field. Dr. Showalter is a gifted, skilled and intuitive therapist who knows how to invite individuals into the process of therapy, create a safe environment , empower them to find their own truth and ultimately take responsibility for their healing. Dr. Showalter also demonstrates the power of creative ,out of the box thinking in working with individuals with challenging histories. She also allows us to see Charmaine as a person with innate gifts, that transcends diagnostic labels,which ultimately may be the greatest teaching in her book .

Dr. Showalter's book also reinforced my existing beliefs on working with trauma victims. From my experience , if trauma victims feel safe they will do the work. Once empowered, they will take us where they need to go,;all we need to do is bear witness and provide our observations if welcomed. From my experience this also is an approach that works effectively with grieving individuals as well.

I would recommend without reservation adding this book to your Kindle or paperback book collection. Dr. Showalter's and Charmaine's teachings will stay with me for the remainder of my life.

Here is the link to the book on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Down-Hallway-Dissociative-Identity-Disorder/dp/1492247154/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1388427541&sr=1-1&keywords=down+the+hallway+

Here is also the link to Dr. Showalter's personal website

http://www.drsherryeshowalter.com

Have a safe, fulfilling and prosperous 2014.

The Message is in the Smoke

Feeling Disconnected
Last evening( 12/26/13) I spent some time with my daughter Jeannine. I hadn't spent quality time with her since August of this year. Since her ninth angelversary date, I make it a point to carve out time to spend with her in ritual and ceremony not only on her birthday or angelversary date but anytime I felt the urge. I always developed a sense of peace and increased clarity after our visits. Since August my schedule was full, between three college classes , helping to plan a candle lighting ceremony with our local Compassionate Friends steering committee,  and facilitating monthly bereavement support group meetings for families who experienced the death of a child. My interactions with my students and families were always fulfilling but as Christmas came and went, I felt increasingly empty and disconnected from myself and out of balance. The imbalance I experienced was due to the fact that I didn't carve out any time to nourish my soul; and to spend time with someone whom I love passionately and unconditionally. In the process of taking care of others, I neglected to take care of my needs.  I took some definitive steps yesterday at 7:30 pm to address the imbalance.

Smoke and Light

On my desk, I placed a  green sage and citrus candle that we had burned at our Compassionate Friends candle lighting ceremony to the left of me, and incense holder in the center, and an orange candle that came with a wolf medallion, to the right. I lit both candles and incense ,played some quiet meditative music and held Jeannine in my thoughts. I also looked to the smoke of the incense and the light of the candles for further inspiration.

The Teachings

Shortly after our ceremony commenced , I was experiencing thoughts that were coming through me at a faster than normal pace. I got the urge to write these thoughts down so that I wouldn't forget them. Before I proceeded however, I asked for Jeannine's permission to do so. I did not want my writing to detract from the time that we were spending together, sacred time. However, I got the clear sense that she wanted me to write, so I did. Here is what came through me and where appropriate, the part of the ceremony that inspired these thoughts :

• I lit at least two different type of incense sticks and what I noticed with both is that the smoke was divided into two distinct parallel paths that would occasionally intersect. Here is what occurred to me in that moment: Respect the uniqueness of our paths, allow for autonomy, yet know that our paths, though parallel will intersect when spirit deems it to be time. In autonomy then, there is oneness, universality.
• The flames of the candles also were different. The flame on the citrus and sage candle was dancing with a frenetic energy. The candle was on my left side and the left side represents the feminine. Jeannine, in this lifetime danced with frenetic energy. Further validation of her presence. The flame on the candle located to the right of me burned slow and steady.  Here is the thought that followed: Some flames dance, others illuminate in stillness. Each flame unique, but together provides an energy , a life force that helps us negotiate the darkness that challenges sometimes bring, a darkness that we sometimes allow to consume us. Of course we are human and can't avoid it. Let us embrace it (the darkness) and find clarity in the flame; the flame of darkness. The flame of darkness now becomes our friend.
• Others' journeys will find us as long as we attend to our path and walk it with honor and integrity
• When we are empowered ,our paths cross by choice, not by force. We share with each other and witness for each other, and our journeys become more enriched. We share our enriched teachings with others who become witness to the transformation and they in turn share with others. Sharing for sharing's sake, releasing ego and agenda, gives us an earth in balance.

Alright For Now

After the meditative music was complete, I dialed up the play list that Jeannine and I put together for her ninth angelversary and hit the shuffle button. I also asked her to give me a signal as to when our time should come to an end. If it were up to me, I would not have wanted it to end. The feelings of peace and bliss I experienced  were powerful. 

Our time together ended with this song by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers called Alright for Now.  This line in the song told me it was time to go...... for now:

Sleep tight baby

Unfurl your brow 

And know I love you

We're alright for now

Christmas 2013 or is it New Years?

As my 58th  Christmas in this lifetime comes to a close, here are some thoughts, I'd like to share with you all.

• Russell Wilson of the Seattle Seahawks is a class act. In this age of egotistical and in some cases ,clueless athletes, he is refreshing with his gentle demeanor,humility, genuineness, and commitment to service. He keeps Christmas in his heart every day of the year.
• Many mornings when I wake up a random song starts playing effortlessly in my head. Today when I woke up, it was the song "New Years Day" by  U2.  I have yet to see the synchronicity ; perhaps George Carlin crawled into my body.
• In October of this year, Cheri and I became surrogate grandparents for my son Dan's two cats Zoe and Nitske. So with Bootsy and Angel, we now have four creatures of the night in our home. All of  them have very unique characteristics and have proven to be great teachers to me. I will expand on this more in another post.
•  When friends and family ask me what I want for Christmas, I struggle to give them a list of material gift ideas. So I don't. Any material object that I desire, I can buy for myself anyway. The only gift that I desire every year is for my friends and family to experience peace and good health during this time of the year. Don't get me wrong, if someone decides to buy me a gift, I am grateful ; it is just not a priority for me anymore.
• I find myself missing Jeannine's physical presence more during this time of the year than any other. Though I miss her physical presence I do not ruminate over the fact that she is not here for the holidays. I sometimes fantasize what it would be like to have one more earthly day with her, but even if my wish were granted, one day would never be enough anyway. I gave her permission to grow in spirit long ago, and I know in my heart that she is with me every day and with others whom I care for deeply. 
• Entitlement is another word, like coincidence ,which is no longer a part of my vocabulary.  Gratitude is a word that I use often, now .
• I have been blessed with many supportive friends, spiritual teachers and family. They are the gifts that keep on giving to me all the year round. 
• I visibly wince when someone tells me that they do not have choices. To deny your free will to me, is the ultimate form of disempowerment. However all choices have consequences. I have tried to choose wisely and encourage others to do the same. 
• Choices that do not turn out as planned should not be viewed as mistakes in judgment, but rather as opportunities for improvement.
• You can see yourself as a person who pumps gas for a living or as a petroleum transfer engineer. It is all about perspective.
• I was recently reminded that it is important to express my gratitude for teachings that are revealed to me and view them as true blessings. 
• The older I get the more I realize that there is  more to learn, and that I am ready to embrace those teachings from anywhere, anybody and anything. I never not want to be unteachable.
• I always tell my students never to preface a question with the phrase, "Just out of curiosity" because it is redundant.

It is my hope that all who read this has a peace filled holiday season filled with many many moments of joy. 

Kyrie Eleison Down The Road That I Must Travel

Clarity Through Music

The older I become, the greater the urge  to revisit music from my past. Certain lyrics have triggered thoughts and  teachings that have given me clarity during the journey following the death of my 18-year- old daughter Jeannine in 2003. Besides I prefer the music of the 80's and 90's over  the majority of what passes for music today.

Welcome to the Real World

Welcome to the real world

there is so much to learn

Lyrics from the song Welcome to the Real World by Mr. Mister

My wife Cheri and I have been trying to downsize as we are currently living alone. In my attempt to contribute to the mission, I have been going through the many compact music discs that I have collected over the years and putting aside some for my youngest son ,Matt .A couple of days ago, I rediscovered a compact disc from 1985 titled Welcome to the Real World  by Mr. Mister. It had been one of my favorite Cd's from the 80's, but I hadn't listened to it in a long time. I started listening to it again and rediscovered all of the reasons I liked Mr. Mister in the first place. There was one song in particular that resonated with me ,in the context of my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child.

Kyrie Eleison

Kyrie was one of Mr. Mister's most recognizable songs; the full title Kyrie Eleison is Greek for "Lord Have Mercy". I remember reciting this phrase silently and sometimes out loud during Jeannine's illness and after her death. After being drawn to listen to this song numerous times, I decided to explore what asking for mercy meant for me in early grief and what it means to me today. The Free Online Dictionary has many definitions for the word mercy. These are the two that resonated with me: Alleviation of distress; relief and something of good fortune; blessing.  In early grief, I routinely asked for relief from the extreme emotional pain and distress that I experienced day in and day out, after Jeannine's death.  However, I eventually learned that my pain would become manageable only if I was willing to sit with it, learn from it and be transformed by it. Today when I ask for mercy, it is because I desire to be blessed by the presence of those individuals who are of the highest level of thought and who will witness my continued transformation on the road that I must now travel. I am happy to say that today I am blessed with many people in my support group who have continued to inspire me with their presence and their teachings.

My "Chosen" Road

When I was young I thought of growing old

of what my life would mean to me

would I have followed down my chosen road 

or only wished what I could be

Lyrics from the song Kyrie by Mr. Mister

After my 25th birthday, it seemed that the next 33 years of my life were a blur. Certainly, the life that I am living now, is different than the life I envisioned myself living. When I was younger I envisioned myself getting married, having children and a successful career.  This was the road I chose for myself and one whose path I thought I could control. Jeannine's death quickly taught me that any control I thought I had was simply an illusion. The universe reminded who was in charge. As a result, a different road has been chosen for me. It is a road that I did not wish for but have now chosen to embrace because of the teachings I have discovered about grief, service, life and death.  I also know that this is a road that I do not travel alone. In addition to my earth "soul family", Jeannine is my constant guide and companion from the other side. Together they have contributed to the metamorphosis that I have undergone to this point in time. 

 The North Shield

I e-mailed this post on 12/18/13 to  my good friend Patty Furino, who responded with : "I like it ,but it feels like you left something out." Patty is not only a good friend, but an important member of my "soul family" and witness to my journey. So her input is something that I always strongly consider. After I received Patty's comments, I reviewed my post again but could not immediately figure out what I could have left out. So I decided to leave it alone. I trusted that spirit would guide me in the right direction, when the time was right. 

Today( 12/21/13), I woke up and had a strong urge to draw a card from The Sacred Path Cards. The cards accompany the book: Sacred Path Cards: The Discovery of Self Through Native Teachings by Jamie Sams.  Letting my intuition be my guide, I drew The North Shield card.  On pages 110 and 111, Sams discusses the application of the North Shield to our daily lives. Here are some excerpts:

Some type of wisdom is coming your way, if you have chosen The North Shield card. You are now being asked to show gratitude for these new understandings in order to continue the growth process. The North Shield tells you that you have learned a lesson and derived from it a sense of self that will serve you for the rest of your life. The successful completion of this lesson should be marked by prayers of thanksgiving or acknowledged in gratitude. Remember that the gift of wisdom is in the heart of the recipient and remains alive as long as it is honored as a blessing.

I previously alluded to the metamorphosis that I have undergone in my journey as a result of the teachings that I have discovered, Jeannine's influence and the presence of my earth "soul family". Sams reminds me that  the wisdoms or understandings that can arise from any discovered  teachings are additional gifts that need to be acknowledged and honored as blessings. So perhaps we can discover mercy in teachings that are revealed to us , and in the process share those teachings with others who are traveling roads that they did not willingly embrace. These shared teachings/wisdoms need to be honored as blessings not only by the messenger but by the recipients who  then inspire others with these  or  other wisdoms they have discovered.  Imagine this type of a chain reaction and the impact it will have on our planet; mercy and peace will reign supreme.

Spirit vs. Ego and Other Random Thoughts

I had another one of those days when I just let my thoughts go where they were going to go. Here is what developed:

1) I read a quote recently that went something like this: "Ego says when everything falls in place, I will have peace. Spirit says ,find your peace and everything will fall into place." Such a simple, eloquent teaching, but challenging to assimilate on a day to day basis. For me, the challenge is about the conflict between my soul's need to just be  and my ego's desire to maintain or not relinquish control. For any of us who have experienced the death of a child or other catastrophic loss, the ego-soul conflict will surface. Over ten years into my journey following the death of my daughter Jeannine, most days my soul wins. Other days I honor my humanness.

2) Change is a necessary part of growth;learning to negotiate the pain of loss is a necessary part of managing change.

3) I think it is better to have life changing events shift perspective, than simply put things in perspective.

4)  If someone told me upfront that they were self-serving and self promoting, I could deal with that. At least I know what the contents of the package are ; I could choose to unwrap it or leave it alone. What I have difficulty dealing with is someone who tries to disguise their self serving behavior as service to others. 

5) I have learned a lot about dealing with people when I was a chemical dependency counselor. I remember asking one of my clients: "What do you need from me?" He looked me in the eye and said: "Dave, don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining." He wanted reality presented to him in an honest way, no matter how much discomfort it caused. I always made sure I gave him an honest forecast. 

6) I get more excited promoting the work of others than talking about myself. As long as the message I am promoting is motivated by honesty and integrity of the messenger, I will put it out there. 

7) Until this year, the state of Colorado hadn't had a flood since 1976, or 37 years. The sum of 3+7 =1. The number 1 is about beginnings. Even in turbulent waters, there are useful teachings to discover.

8) My soul family, past and present, is part of my healing and understanding in the present.

9)  Today,I reread a journal entry that I completed on July 21st of this year. On that day,I took a walk in my neighborhood and silently invited Jeannine's thoughts to come through me. This is what I heard : "Let it Come, Behold The Universe." I will remember this when my ego and soul come into conflict. I love my daughter's wisdom.

10) I don't assume everyone that I know wants me to automatically pray for them when they are experiencing challenging times, I usually ask their permission first.

11)I continue to remain grateful for the people in my life and for having two of the greatest sons that a father could ever ask for and a spouse who unconditionally supports me ; all in all I am blessed.

Wishing you all peace.

The Soul of Death/ The Soul of Life

Some time ago ,I went to the funeral service of a person  from whom I had grown apart during the last several years of my existence. I made the decision to distance myself from this individual because I did not agree with the way that he chose to relate to me and other people in his world . Our relationship was interfering with my serenity; I did what I needed to do for myself. I have no regrets,it is  a choice that I would make again given the same circumstances. 

During the service,  many great and positive memories of his life and times were shared , memories  of his positive qualities, and his impact on his friends and family. I didn't give any thought to the conflict that contributed to my original decision to distance myself from him. I found myself focusing on his soul qualities, because after his physical death, that is what remained. Sometimes it is in death, that we understand the true soul of a person. There is no doubt in my mind that  his soul and its unique characteristics will live on in eternity. Perhaps someday his soul will decide to inhabit another physical body to continue to learn and evolve. Maybe it already has happened.

Before I sat down to write this blog entry, I  also gave thought to my daughter Jeannine's funeral service, over ten years ago. During her eulogy, I talked about her passion for life ,her unconventional wisdom, and spontaneity; the unique qualities of her soul. There were the normal challenges ,particularly during her teenage years that at times contributed to stress and worry on my part and occasional conflicts in our relationship. Jeannine's death stripped away that tumultuous part of our earthly relationship as father and daughter, leaving me to grieve what was left behind and what she was taking with her on her new journey. I didn't discover that I could have a pure  relationship with her soul until much later in my journey after her death. Now that I have, it has contributed to profound spiritual lessons, clarity and peace that I never thought possible. In death, Jeannine has become my greatest teacher. Her soul is a life source that has allowed me to transcend the pain of her physical death to find greater meaning and purpose.

I also believe that we are capable of seeing the true soul of a person while he/she is alive ,particularly if there is an instantaneous connection, shared values and acceptance. There will be many instances, when this will not occur.  After all we are human and there is an inherent imperfection in that.   However,if we can honor our human foibles, we will continue to evolve spiritually and pass on our wisdoms to others who are experiencing the challenges of death or other life changing transitions.

Changing Language to Develop Different Perceptions of Self and World.

Accepted Vernacular


During my morning walk today, I was thinking about how our perspectives on life could change if we modified the terminology used to describe our experiences .Creating a culture for change through the use of words to describe our experiences needs to also be accompanied by motivation to change our behavior and how we view the world.I worked in the human services field for 27 years and we used a variety of functional terms used to classify the circumstances of the persons that we served.  I commonly used terms such as "dysfunctional", "suffered from addiction and/or mental illness during my career either during meetings with my clinical supervisor or with those whom I was assigned   to counsel.  At the time, this was the accepted  universal vernacular of the human services field .Much of the terminology used in the human services field, particularly in the context of diagnoses, has labels and stigmas associated with them.We are a product of the messages we receive during our formative years. If we feel inherently negative about ourselves , how our experience is viewed by others using commonly accepted terminology, can accentuate feelings of low self esteem and self-efficacy.  It is easy for an individual who is already feeling negative about him or her self and the world, to easily buy into the stigmas and feel powerless to change the perceptions.
 I also believe that individuals who are not a part of the human service system, but facing life challenges need to be cognizant of how they describe their experiences, as well.  

A New Language


After my walk, I  wrote in my journal some terms and phrases that I came up with to assist ourselves and others to conceptualize life experiences differently. The word or phrase that I came up with is listed followed by the more traditional term that has been more commonly used.

•           Dancing with Dysfunction vs. Living with or Surrounded by Dysfunction:  Living with or being surrounded by dysfunction ,to me, implies that we don't have a choice in shaping our destiny, or that we are permanent victims of circumstance.  Dancing is time-limited and  involves  among other things movement and rhythm. We can  dance with anything for as long as we choose and then move away from it , and in the process find a different rhythm ,while shaping a new reality. There is empowerment in movement; in movement there is hope.

•                Challenges vs Struggle :  It was always common for me to assess an individual with whom I worked as struggling with addiction or struggling with mental illness.I often used the phrase" struggling with grief" when describing my early journey following the death of my 18-year-old daughter Jeannine in 2003.There is a heavy weight or burden that is linked to struggle. When I think of struggle I recall the tale of Sisyphus ,who was  the king of Cornith . He was punished for chronic deceitfulness by being forced  to roll a huge boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever. Struggle is tiring and associated with futility. We can address challenges and use their lessons to define the world we want to live in, during the best of times and during times of transition in our lives. 

•            Feeling Empowered vs. Feeling Powerful : It is easy to feel powerful when discovering insights or truths that help us address the challenges that life brings us.  However, power can be abused and ego-driven when it comes to the relationship with others. As it relates to our own spiritual growth, feeling powerful  can foster a sense of invulnerability and a belief that there is nothing left to learn from others or the world around us.  Empowerment means that we have given ourselves permission to see reality differently,commit to a constant state of learning, and license to acknowledge our shortcomings without fear of judgment. Empowerment allows us to inspire others to seek their own truth. 

  

            As we progress on our life journeys it is important to regularly assess the strategies that are working for us and discard those that were once useful, but don't apply to us in the present. How we view ourselves and others through the words we use needs to be part of that ongoing self -evaluation and a key part of the skills that we develop to embrace the process of transformation.  

Faith,Doubt and Warriors of Light

To Inspire and Self Inspire
As I have grown older, I have committed to be in a constant state of learning and discovery. Once I believe there is nothing left to learn, then it is time for me  to look deep within. Periodic introspection and reflection as a matter of course is crucial to our ongoing development . A requirement of the human experience is to constantly find ways to reinvent and redefine ourselves.in both the best and worst of times Not only does it keep our perspective on life fresh, but our relationships with others takes on a whole new meaning. We can also use our  ongoing learning about ourselves as a foundation to present observations to others from a perspective that they may not have previously considered. As a result , we inspire them and inspire ourselves in the process.

With that in mind, I would like to offer my reflections and observations on a couple of items that  I recently read:

Viewing Humanity Differently
"We are the warriors of light. With the strength of our love and will, we can change our destiny....and the destiny of many others"- Paulo Coehlo

In the literal sense, a warrior is someone who is skilled in battle and combat. In the context of Coehlo's words the term warrior represents a paradigm shift or change in perspective, that can serve us well during challenging times in our lives. I know that after the death of my daughter Jeannine in 2003, I  eventually began to see the value of treating others with respect and love, even during times when I didn't love myself.  Once I began to consistently commit to these values , the way I viewed humanity changed and the way that humanity responded to me changed. As a result I became aligned with individuals with like values; other warriors of light.  My perspective on life and particularly on Jeannine's death became transformed.


Reflections from Leonard Pitts
"Faith and doubt do not oppose each other. They define each other ,like light and shadow."- From the article, "Having a casual chat with the "universal spirit" by Leonard Pitts

Leonard Pitts is a columnist for The Miami Herald and fast becoming my favorite journalist because he dares to ask the questions everyone else may be thinking. He is creative and does not subscribe to conventional wisdom. I have always thought conventional wisdom was highly overrated anyway.

I have learned during my journey after Jeannine's death, that joy,pain and sadness coexist and that continued spiritual growth occurs as a result of our ability to embrace and learn from all emotions that we experience.  I agree with Pitts' observations on faith and doubt as well. After Jeannine's death, my faith in everything that I believed in came into question. I had doubts that I would ever learn to live with what happened and that I would ever truly feel fulfilled again. As I look at it now, my dance with doubt contributed to my eventual restoration of faith in myself and in the universe to provide for my needs. I couldn't have developed a stronger faith if I was unwilling to allow doubt to embrace me. Do I experience self-doubt now. Absolutely! To deny this would be denying my ability to be human.  I strive in this moment to use self-doubt as a means  to promote continued self-awareness including those limitations that I still possess. I will strive to embrace my limitations for the lessons that they will continue to teach me.

Square Dancing in a Round Room
There is, from my perspective , a concept that connects the thoughts of both Leonard Pitts and Paulo Coehlo....... shapeshifting. Here is how Ted Andrews defines shapeshifting in his book, Animal Speaks

Shapeshifting is natural to all of humanity. Every day on some level,we shift our energies to meet the daily trips, responsibilities and obligations of life..... Shapeshifting is a matter of controlling and shifting your own energies to fit the needs of the moment- being able to draw upon those qualities and energies necessary.

Simply put, the art of shapeshifting is similar to learning how to square dance in a round room.  Our will ,love and determination alone won't change the shape of that room. It will forever remain round. We can however shift our energies and thoughts in a way that fits the existing terrain, and empower ourselves in the process ,to view our worlds through a different lens.

Sometimes the most evolved souls take the most challenging paths

Dr. Brian Weiss

From Spirituality to Carlin: Some Random Thoughts

Today, I just let my thoughts go where they were going to go. Here is what materialized:

1) It is easy for us, at times, to believe that we are entitled to be sad because of events that have occurred in our lives. I have expressed that sentiment on several occasions in my life. What I have discovered today is that sadness is meant to be honored as part of our human experience. By honoring sadness, we learn from it and grow because of our willingness to embrace it.

2) I believe that society overemphasizes the need for us to be happy to achieve our life's purpose. If we unconditionally subscribe to that belief, we set ourselves up for failure. In reality, it is our ability to authentically  acknowledge our emotions in the moment that helps us achieve clarity and contentment during our life journeys.

3) Accepting others as they are all the time is challenging.  Many of us struggle with accepting ourselves as we are, and have specific beliefs and biases that preclude total acceptance of certain members of the human race. Allowing ourselves to share those biases with people that we trust to be objective is just as important as practicing acceptance of others.  Acknowledging those biases are also a step to accepting ourselves as we are and allowing us to become more aware of how we relate to ourselves and the world around us.

4) I become angry when someone tries to script my experience. I was in a class some time ago, where the facilitator wanted the participants to write a statement that was evidence of self love. The facilitator also wanted each individual to say" And I offer this up to you", after we read our statement. If  I am willingly disclosing an expression of self-love to a group, I am already offering it to the group. Nothing more needs to be said. I was determined to be the author of my own experience so I read my statement of self-love and left it at that. Of course, she(the facilitator) asked me :" And are you offering this up to the group?" I replied that I already did.  My reality doesn't necessarily need to be your experience and  your experience doesn't necessarily need to be my reality. We process our experiences in a language and style that provides the greatest benefits to our evolution as spiritual beings.

5) I feel centered when I embrace intention.

6) I wish I knew? I don't. What I need to know will be revealed to me in time, as long as I trust in the universe's ability to address my needs.

7) The key to spiritual growth is  paying attention to what is happening around us and discovering how things are connected.

8) Spiritual human beings are not powerful; they are empowered.

9) I know that there is emphasis on living in the moment so that we can become more fulfilled and grounded. The past however contains rich lessons that can shape how we live in the present, and therefore should not be ignored.

10) This is one from the "I thought I heard everything department":  I spent some time recently with a dear friend whose son died earlier this year. She told me that a person actually said these comforting words to her: "He was doing ok until he died." Admittedly, I was rendered speechless. This is one to add to the list of things not to say to a parent who has experienced the death of a child.


11) Finally, I will end with this gem from George Carlin, my favorite comedian:"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." As therapists or companions to the bereaved ,we can only point out the resources that are available  and assist  them in developing the skills and confidence to access them. Bereaved individuals then need to take that first step....... when they are ready to do so.

Wishing you all peace.

My Journey:The Truth and Nothing But The Truth

It Is What It Is
I am a man who has been redefined by circumstances beyond my control.  My process of redefinition started when my 18 -year- old daughter Jeannine died on 3/1/03 of a rare and aggressive form of cancer. If Jeannine were here now, she would tell me to not make her death a focal point of my change in perspective. However, it is what it is, and I can't deny that my transformation as a human being began with her entry into eternal life. I am secure knowing that she continues to teach me in spirit, and that our relationship has allowed me to be open to further lessons from other spiritual teachers and the universe around me. I do still miss her physical presence, but I have learned that I can't want for what I don't have, or believe I am entitled to have. I had Jeannine in my life for 18 years and in the eyes of sacred law 18 years was sufficient time for her to learn the lessons that she needed to learn in this life, and teach others, including me. For years after her death, I punished myself for not being able to protect her from cancer.  I let my preoccupation with my failure to protect her,overshadow any other positive aspects that I brought to the father-daughter relationship. From my perspective, early grief and continuous rumination about the what ifs and should haves and could haves is one of the challenges we must address if we are to evolve on our journey. After two and one half years of beating myself up for not being able to protect Jeannine from a type of cancer that I had no control over, I decided that I needed to change my perspective. It didn't happen overnight; it has been a seven and a half year journey to get to where I am now. The lessons will continue until I die, and then there will be more to learn when I get to the other side.

Discovering My Purpose As A Father
I stopped obsessing about my failure to protect Jeannine when I began to realize through discussion with my spiritual teachers , dreams and other moments of synchronicity, that protecting her was not my primary responsibility. I discovered that my primary responsibility to her in this lifetime, was to let her make adult decisions. I also believe that in previous reincarnations of myself that I was a protector, even if it meant sacrificing my own life in the process. I know to some that this may sound far -fetched, but this is how my journey has evolved. Everyone's journey evolves differently, the truth manifests itself in a variety of forms. One of the lessons that I have learned is not to judge another person's account of their truth . I can't because I am not living it.

We Have Done This All Before
I do believe that we have lived other lives.I first began to entertain this notion when I read Brian Weiss's book "Many Lives, Many Masters." It has been reinforced by the instantaneous soul connections that I have made with other individuals in my life. I have a good friend who I have spent a total of ten minutes with in person and I feel like I have known him for lifetimes. This becomes reinforced every time we talk with each other. I have had that same feeling with many who I consider to be my spiritual teachers. From what I have read and from what I have experienced, I believe that we were meant to cross paths at the precise moments in time when we did. We were meant to witness each others journeys and learn from each other. We have learned ,in the process, to inspire ourselves and as a result  inspire others. Our self-absorption in early grief has now been replaced by an overwhelming desire to share our transformation and contribute to the common good.

Enlightenment vs.Transformation

I also do not see our process of transformation  as about enlightenment. I can be enlightened about a certain path in my life to take and do nothing. Enlightenment ,to me, doesn't cover the deep spiritual transformation that we undergo in the face of seemingly insurmountable challenges. Transformation comes through overt action and an ability to view life from both a physical and ethereal perspective. Embracing a different perspective goes beyond enlightenment; it is about willingness, hard work and faith even when we ourselves question its power. I do not want to be perceived as enlightened, I want  to be perceived as transformed.

My wish for everyone is that they find a path to knowing that will help them address the challenges that life regularly throws our way. There will be emotional and maybe even physical pain in the process. Sit with your pain, embrace it, learn from it, and release it. The empowerment that you discover will allow you to start the process of transformation; sharing your transformation will result in blessings that you never imagined.