Spirit vs. Ego and Other Random Thoughts

I had another one of those days when I just let my thoughts go where they were going to go. Here is what developed:

1) I read a quote recently that went something like this: "Ego says when everything falls in place, I will have peace. Spirit says ,find your peace and everything will fall into place." Such a simple, eloquent teaching, but challenging to assimilate on a day to day basis. For me, the challenge is about the conflict between my soul's need to just be  and my ego's desire to maintain or not relinquish control. For any of us who have experienced the death of a child or other catastrophic loss, the ego-soul conflict will surface. Over ten years into my journey following the death of my daughter Jeannine, most days my soul wins. Other days I honor my humanness.

2) Change is a necessary part of growth;learning to negotiate the pain of loss is a necessary part of managing change.

3) I think it is better to have life changing events shift perspective, than simply put things in perspective.

4)  If someone told me upfront that they were self-serving and self promoting, I could deal with that. At least I know what the contents of the package are ; I could choose to unwrap it or leave it alone. What I have difficulty dealing with is someone who tries to disguise their self serving behavior as service to others. 

5) I have learned a lot about dealing with people when I was a chemical dependency counselor. I remember asking one of my clients: "What do you need from me?" He looked me in the eye and said: "Dave, don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining." He wanted reality presented to him in an honest way, no matter how much discomfort it caused. I always made sure I gave him an honest forecast. 

6) I get more excited promoting the work of others than talking about myself. As long as the message I am promoting is motivated by honesty and integrity of the messenger, I will put it out there. 

7) Until this year, the state of Colorado hadn't had a flood since 1976, or 37 years. The sum of 3+7 =1. The number 1 is about beginnings. Even in turbulent waters, there are useful teachings to discover.

8) My soul family, past and present, is part of my healing and understanding in the present.

9)  Today,I reread a journal entry that I completed on July 21st of this year. On that day,I took a walk in my neighborhood and silently invited Jeannine's thoughts to come through me. This is what I heard : "Let it Come, Behold The Universe." I will remember this when my ego and soul come into conflict. I love my daughter's wisdom.

10) I don't assume everyone that I know wants me to automatically pray for them when they are experiencing challenging times, I usually ask their permission first.

11)I continue to remain grateful for the people in my life and for having two of the greatest sons that a father could ever ask for and a spouse who unconditionally supports me ; all in all I am blessed.

Wishing you all peace.

The Soul of Death/ The Soul of Life

Some time ago ,I went to the funeral service of a person  from whom I had grown apart during the last several years of my existence. I made the decision to distance myself from this individual because I did not agree with the way that he chose to relate to me and other people in his world . Our relationship was interfering with my serenity; I did what I needed to do for myself. I have no regrets,it is  a choice that I would make again given the same circumstances. 

During the service,  many great and positive memories of his life and times were shared , memories  of his positive qualities, and his impact on his friends and family. I didn't give any thought to the conflict that contributed to my original decision to distance myself from him. I found myself focusing on his soul qualities, because after his physical death, that is what remained. Sometimes it is in death, that we understand the true soul of a person. There is no doubt in my mind that  his soul and its unique characteristics will live on in eternity. Perhaps someday his soul will decide to inhabit another physical body to continue to learn and evolve. Maybe it already has happened.

Before I sat down to write this blog entry, I  also gave thought to my daughter Jeannine's funeral service, over ten years ago. During her eulogy, I talked about her passion for life ,her unconventional wisdom, and spontaneity; the unique qualities of her soul. There were the normal challenges ,particularly during her teenage years that at times contributed to stress and worry on my part and occasional conflicts in our relationship. Jeannine's death stripped away that tumultuous part of our earthly relationship as father and daughter, leaving me to grieve what was left behind and what she was taking with her on her new journey. I didn't discover that I could have a pure  relationship with her soul until much later in my journey after her death. Now that I have, it has contributed to profound spiritual lessons, clarity and peace that I never thought possible. In death, Jeannine has become my greatest teacher. Her soul is a life source that has allowed me to transcend the pain of her physical death to find greater meaning and purpose.

I also believe that we are capable of seeing the true soul of a person while he/she is alive ,particularly if there is an instantaneous connection, shared values and acceptance. There will be many instances, when this will not occur.  After all we are human and there is an inherent imperfection in that.   However,if we can honor our human foibles, we will continue to evolve spiritually and pass on our wisdoms to others who are experiencing the challenges of death or other life changing transitions.

Changing Language to Develop Different Perceptions of Self and World.

Accepted Vernacular


During my morning walk today, I was thinking about how our perspectives on life could change if we modified the terminology used to describe our experiences .Creating a culture for change through the use of words to describe our experiences needs to also be accompanied by motivation to change our behavior and how we view the world.I worked in the human services field for 27 years and we used a variety of functional terms used to classify the circumstances of the persons that we served.  I commonly used terms such as "dysfunctional", "suffered from addiction and/or mental illness during my career either during meetings with my clinical supervisor or with those whom I was assigned   to counsel.  At the time, this was the accepted  universal vernacular of the human services field .Much of the terminology used in the human services field, particularly in the context of diagnoses, has labels and stigmas associated with them.We are a product of the messages we receive during our formative years. If we feel inherently negative about ourselves , how our experience is viewed by others using commonly accepted terminology, can accentuate feelings of low self esteem and self-efficacy.  It is easy for an individual who is already feeling negative about him or her self and the world, to easily buy into the stigmas and feel powerless to change the perceptions.
 I also believe that individuals who are not a part of the human service system, but facing life challenges need to be cognizant of how they describe their experiences, as well.  

A New Language


After my walk, I  wrote in my journal some terms and phrases that I came up with to assist ourselves and others to conceptualize life experiences differently. The word or phrase that I came up with is listed followed by the more traditional term that has been more commonly used.

•           Dancing with Dysfunction vs. Living with or Surrounded by Dysfunction:  Living with or being surrounded by dysfunction ,to me, implies that we don't have a choice in shaping our destiny, or that we are permanent victims of circumstance.  Dancing is time-limited and  involves  among other things movement and rhythm. We can  dance with anything for as long as we choose and then move away from it , and in the process find a different rhythm ,while shaping a new reality. There is empowerment in movement; in movement there is hope.

•                Challenges vs Struggle :  It was always common for me to assess an individual with whom I worked as struggling with addiction or struggling with mental illness.I often used the phrase" struggling with grief" when describing my early journey following the death of my 18-year-old daughter Jeannine in 2003.There is a heavy weight or burden that is linked to struggle. When I think of struggle I recall the tale of Sisyphus ,who was  the king of Cornith . He was punished for chronic deceitfulness by being forced  to roll a huge boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever. Struggle is tiring and associated with futility. We can address challenges and use their lessons to define the world we want to live in, during the best of times and during times of transition in our lives. 

•            Feeling Empowered vs. Feeling Powerful : It is easy to feel powerful when discovering insights or truths that help us address the challenges that life brings us.  However, power can be abused and ego-driven when it comes to the relationship with others. As it relates to our own spiritual growth, feeling powerful  can foster a sense of invulnerability and a belief that there is nothing left to learn from others or the world around us.  Empowerment means that we have given ourselves permission to see reality differently,commit to a constant state of learning, and license to acknowledge our shortcomings without fear of judgment. Empowerment allows us to inspire others to seek their own truth. 

  

            As we progress on our life journeys it is important to regularly assess the strategies that are working for us and discard those that were once useful, but don't apply to us in the present. How we view ourselves and others through the words we use needs to be part of that ongoing self -evaluation and a key part of the skills that we develop to embrace the process of transformation.  

Faith,Doubt and Warriors of Light

To Inspire and Self Inspire
As I have grown older, I have committed to be in a constant state of learning and discovery. Once I believe there is nothing left to learn, then it is time for me  to look deep within. Periodic introspection and reflection as a matter of course is crucial to our ongoing development . A requirement of the human experience is to constantly find ways to reinvent and redefine ourselves.in both the best and worst of times Not only does it keep our perspective on life fresh, but our relationships with others takes on a whole new meaning. We can also use our  ongoing learning about ourselves as a foundation to present observations to others from a perspective that they may not have previously considered. As a result , we inspire them and inspire ourselves in the process.

With that in mind, I would like to offer my reflections and observations on a couple of items that  I recently read:

Viewing Humanity Differently
"We are the warriors of light. With the strength of our love and will, we can change our destiny....and the destiny of many others"- Paulo Coehlo

In the literal sense, a warrior is someone who is skilled in battle and combat. In the context of Coehlo's words the term warrior represents a paradigm shift or change in perspective, that can serve us well during challenging times in our lives. I know that after the death of my daughter Jeannine in 2003, I  eventually began to see the value of treating others with respect and love, even during times when I didn't love myself.  Once I began to consistently commit to these values , the way I viewed humanity changed and the way that humanity responded to me changed. As a result I became aligned with individuals with like values; other warriors of light.  My perspective on life and particularly on Jeannine's death became transformed.


Reflections from Leonard Pitts
"Faith and doubt do not oppose each other. They define each other ,like light and shadow."- From the article, "Having a casual chat with the "universal spirit" by Leonard Pitts

Leonard Pitts is a columnist for The Miami Herald and fast becoming my favorite journalist because he dares to ask the questions everyone else may be thinking. He is creative and does not subscribe to conventional wisdom. I have always thought conventional wisdom was highly overrated anyway.

I have learned during my journey after Jeannine's death, that joy,pain and sadness coexist and that continued spiritual growth occurs as a result of our ability to embrace and learn from all emotions that we experience.  I agree with Pitts' observations on faith and doubt as well. After Jeannine's death, my faith in everything that I believed in came into question. I had doubts that I would ever learn to live with what happened and that I would ever truly feel fulfilled again. As I look at it now, my dance with doubt contributed to my eventual restoration of faith in myself and in the universe to provide for my needs. I couldn't have developed a stronger faith if I was unwilling to allow doubt to embrace me. Do I experience self-doubt now. Absolutely! To deny this would be denying my ability to be human.  I strive in this moment to use self-doubt as a means  to promote continued self-awareness including those limitations that I still possess. I will strive to embrace my limitations for the lessons that they will continue to teach me.

Square Dancing in a Round Room
There is, from my perspective , a concept that connects the thoughts of both Leonard Pitts and Paulo Coehlo....... shapeshifting. Here is how Ted Andrews defines shapeshifting in his book, Animal Speaks

Shapeshifting is natural to all of humanity. Every day on some level,we shift our energies to meet the daily trips, responsibilities and obligations of life..... Shapeshifting is a matter of controlling and shifting your own energies to fit the needs of the moment- being able to draw upon those qualities and energies necessary.

Simply put, the art of shapeshifting is similar to learning how to square dance in a round room.  Our will ,love and determination alone won't change the shape of that room. It will forever remain round. We can however shift our energies and thoughts in a way that fits the existing terrain, and empower ourselves in the process ,to view our worlds through a different lens.

Sometimes the most evolved souls take the most challenging paths

Dr. Brian Weiss

From Spirituality to Carlin: Some Random Thoughts

Today, I just let my thoughts go where they were going to go. Here is what materialized:

1) It is easy for us, at times, to believe that we are entitled to be sad because of events that have occurred in our lives. I have expressed that sentiment on several occasions in my life. What I have discovered today is that sadness is meant to be honored as part of our human experience. By honoring sadness, we learn from it and grow because of our willingness to embrace it.

2) I believe that society overemphasizes the need for us to be happy to achieve our life's purpose. If we unconditionally subscribe to that belief, we set ourselves up for failure. In reality, it is our ability to authentically  acknowledge our emotions in the moment that helps us achieve clarity and contentment during our life journeys.

3) Accepting others as they are all the time is challenging.  Many of us struggle with accepting ourselves as we are, and have specific beliefs and biases that preclude total acceptance of certain members of the human race. Allowing ourselves to share those biases with people that we trust to be objective is just as important as practicing acceptance of others.  Acknowledging those biases are also a step to accepting ourselves as we are and allowing us to become more aware of how we relate to ourselves and the world around us.

4) I become angry when someone tries to script my experience. I was in a class some time ago, where the facilitator wanted the participants to write a statement that was evidence of self love. The facilitator also wanted each individual to say" And I offer this up to you", after we read our statement. If  I am willingly disclosing an expression of self-love to a group, I am already offering it to the group. Nothing more needs to be said. I was determined to be the author of my own experience so I read my statement of self-love and left it at that. Of course, she(the facilitator) asked me :" And are you offering this up to the group?" I replied that I already did.  My reality doesn't necessarily need to be your experience and  your experience doesn't necessarily need to be my reality. We process our experiences in a language and style that provides the greatest benefits to our evolution as spiritual beings.

5) I feel centered when I embrace intention.

6) I wish I knew? I don't. What I need to know will be revealed to me in time, as long as I trust in the universe's ability to address my needs.

7) The key to spiritual growth is  paying attention to what is happening around us and discovering how things are connected.

8) Spiritual human beings are not powerful; they are empowered.

9) I know that there is emphasis on living in the moment so that we can become more fulfilled and grounded. The past however contains rich lessons that can shape how we live in the present, and therefore should not be ignored.

10) This is one from the "I thought I heard everything department":  I spent some time recently with a dear friend whose son died earlier this year. She told me that a person actually said these comforting words to her: "He was doing ok until he died." Admittedly, I was rendered speechless. This is one to add to the list of things not to say to a parent who has experienced the death of a child.


11) Finally, I will end with this gem from George Carlin, my favorite comedian:"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." As therapists or companions to the bereaved ,we can only point out the resources that are available  and assist  them in developing the skills and confidence to access them. Bereaved individuals then need to take that first step....... when they are ready to do so.

Wishing you all peace.

My Journey:The Truth and Nothing But The Truth

It Is What It Is
I am a man who has been redefined by circumstances beyond my control.  My process of redefinition started when my 18 -year- old daughter Jeannine died on 3/1/03 of a rare and aggressive form of cancer. If Jeannine were here now, she would tell me to not make her death a focal point of my change in perspective. However, it is what it is, and I can't deny that my transformation as a human being began with her entry into eternal life. I am secure knowing that she continues to teach me in spirit, and that our relationship has allowed me to be open to further lessons from other spiritual teachers and the universe around me. I do still miss her physical presence, but I have learned that I can't want for what I don't have, or believe I am entitled to have. I had Jeannine in my life for 18 years and in the eyes of sacred law 18 years was sufficient time for her to learn the lessons that she needed to learn in this life, and teach others, including me. For years after her death, I punished myself for not being able to protect her from cancer.  I let my preoccupation with my failure to protect her,overshadow any other positive aspects that I brought to the father-daughter relationship. From my perspective, early grief and continuous rumination about the what ifs and should haves and could haves is one of the challenges we must address if we are to evolve on our journey. After two and one half years of beating myself up for not being able to protect Jeannine from a type of cancer that I had no control over, I decided that I needed to change my perspective. It didn't happen overnight; it has been a seven and a half year journey to get to where I am now. The lessons will continue until I die, and then there will be more to learn when I get to the other side.

Discovering My Purpose As A Father
I stopped obsessing about my failure to protect Jeannine when I began to realize through discussion with my spiritual teachers , dreams and other moments of synchronicity, that protecting her was not my primary responsibility. I discovered that my primary responsibility to her in this lifetime, was to let her make adult decisions. I also believe that in previous reincarnations of myself that I was a protector, even if it meant sacrificing my own life in the process. I know to some that this may sound far -fetched, but this is how my journey has evolved. Everyone's journey evolves differently, the truth manifests itself in a variety of forms. One of the lessons that I have learned is not to judge another person's account of their truth . I can't because I am not living it.

We Have Done This All Before
I do believe that we have lived other lives.I first began to entertain this notion when I read Brian Weiss's book "Many Lives, Many Masters." It has been reinforced by the instantaneous soul connections that I have made with other individuals in my life. I have a good friend who I have spent a total of ten minutes with in person and I feel like I have known him for lifetimes. This becomes reinforced every time we talk with each other. I have had that same feeling with many who I consider to be my spiritual teachers. From what I have read and from what I have experienced, I believe that we were meant to cross paths at the precise moments in time when we did. We were meant to witness each others journeys and learn from each other. We have learned ,in the process, to inspire ourselves and as a result  inspire others. Our self-absorption in early grief has now been replaced by an overwhelming desire to share our transformation and contribute to the common good.

Enlightenment vs.Transformation

I also do not see our process of transformation  as about enlightenment. I can be enlightened about a certain path in my life to take and do nothing. Enlightenment ,to me, doesn't cover the deep spiritual transformation that we undergo in the face of seemingly insurmountable challenges. Transformation comes through overt action and an ability to view life from both a physical and ethereal perspective. Embracing a different perspective goes beyond enlightenment; it is about willingness, hard work and faith even when we ourselves question its power. I do not want to be perceived as enlightened, I want  to be perceived as transformed.

My wish for everyone is that they find a path to knowing that will help them address the challenges that life regularly throws our way. There will be emotional and maybe even physical pain in the process. Sit with your pain, embrace it, learn from it, and release it. The empowerment that you discover will allow you to start the process of transformation; sharing your transformation will result in blessings that you never imagined.

The End of the Innocence

Living With Ambiguity

The older I get ,the more that I realize how quickly and drastically life can change. There are some events that defy logic, and despite our best efforts to try to make sense of them,  many unanswered questions will remain. I have learned in the almost ten years since the death of my own child to live with some unanswered questions, some ambiguity. I believe that as long as I do my best to find meaning and significance  in a world that has permanently changed and  can help others in the process, I can live with some unanswered questions.

Sandy Hook: A Return to the Land of Why

O' beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening… 

Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence 

From the song "The End of the Innocence by Don Henley

On Friday, December 14,2012, 26 people, 20 of whom were students between the ages of 6 and 7 were brutally gunned down at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Innocence died on that day, along with those children and educators.  Like everyone across our country and the world, I was profoundly affected by this tragedy. Like any parent who has experienced the death of a child, I have developed instant empathy for any parent who has become a member of a club; none of us ever envisioned being a part of at any time during our lives. Consequently, the raw emotional pain that I experienced after my daughter Jeannine died in 2003 resurfaced and remained for several days after Sandy Hook.  I also questioned why these beautiful and unconditionally loving children and the adults who were charged with educating and nurturing them had to die so tragically. I didn't stay in that place for long because I asked a lot of why questions after my daughter died. I never got an answer that satisfied me. The only resolution that would have been acceptable for me was for God to appear and tell me and my family that He had made a mistake, that He was returning Jeannine to us and that life as we knew it would be restored. Once I finally realized that that was not going to happen, I stopped asking the why questions. I then chose to focus on "Where do I go from here?"

The Need For Names
I spent a significant amount of time Friday and Saturday watching the news coverage surrounding the Sandy Hook victims. I wasn't concerned about the psychological profile of the shooter or the discussions about the need for more stringent gun control laws.  I was more concerned with the families of the victims and the impact of the shootings on the community of Newtown. I also felt the need to watch the news coverage until the names of the victims were released. I know how significant it was for me to hear Jeannine's name after she died. I wanted to be able to mention the first name of each of the victims of this tragedy in prayer. This would be my way to honor them and their families.

A Different Perspective

The Sandy Hook shootings have been one in a series of other mass murders that have seemed to occur with alarming regularity in our country over the last few years. Aurora, Colorado and Tucson, Arizona immediately come to mind. As I mentioned previously, the current gun control laws were scrutinized intensely by the media and many experts weighed in on the issue.  From my perspective, it is not just an issue of gun control.  For one thing, more resources for mental health treatment needs to be allocated. As an addiction professional who worked in the field for 27 years, there were always more chemically dependent and mentally ill clients that needed treatment, and fewer resources to serve them. The mantra was always" do more with less." Frankly, I could never figure out how to accomplish that without compromising the quality of treatment.  Our existing gun control laws and our mental health system are just two of the components that need to be examined.

President Obama remarked (and I am paraphrasing) at the interfaith vigil service in Newtown, that mental health professionals, parents and law enforcement need to come together to address the issue of violence in our country.

Politics aside, I agree with his observations.

What we have done to date hasn't worked.

We need to be proactive, not reactive.

Our entire society needs to be a part of the solution.

We cannot address ways to create a less violent environment for our children in a vacuum.



Closing Thoughts
Finally, it is my hope that the support and resources that are being offered to the Newtown community are available for the long term. I also believe that the families of the victims and the community need to empower themselves to determine when and how they avail themselves of that support and whom they choose to have support them. From my perspective, the death of my child was the most disempowering event of my life.  In retrospect, determining whether I needed to sit with my grief or ask for support from those with whom I was comfortable, helped me to take some power back in the early aftermath of Jeannine's death. The right for us to self determine what we need and how we will meet those needs empowers us in both the best of times and worst of times.

The victims' families will be on a life long journey of grief. For the siblings, grief for their deceased brothers and sisters will recapitulate throughout the life cycle. They will also be grieving for classmates who died as well as their teachers. The surviving teachers will grieve for colleagues lost and students who touched their lives and whose lives they touched. There will be many layers of lifetime grief to navigate.

 The families' ongoing connections to their deceased loved have been supported by the residents of that close knit community of Newtown, and will from my perspective continue to be supported for the long-term. This will not only allow the surviving family members to engage in the transformative process of grief, but will allow the entire community to do so as well.