The Heart of the Matter

Recently, I got a nudge to find a song on YouTube by Don Henley called "The Heart of the Matter." It is a song about the challenges of relationships and the pain arising from their endings. Since rediscovering the genius of Don Henley in this song, I have been giving thought to the challenges of relationships, particularly during difficult times.

Fantasy vs. Reality

I believe that from childhood, the expectation is that we will, in adulthood, meet the man or woman of our dreams, get married and live happily ever after. I remember that I had very idealized dreams in high school about what my marital relationship would look like. In my dreams, it was all utopic. The anticipation of struggle or pain is not usually entertained in fantasy. If it was, then we'd be fantasizing about reality, and who wants that?

I have been married for almost 30 years to a wonderful woman, and overall there have been some great memories and joyful moments involving our three children and us. There have also been the challenges of child rearing, finances and trying to many times muster up enough energy to carve out moments of time for each other. So for me, my actual marriage was quite different from my fantasized version, but if given the chance to do it over......... I wouldn't. 

The Greatest Challenge of All

The foundation for which our marriage was based underwent the greatest test of all when our daughter Jeannine died at the age of 18 on 3/1/03, after being diagnosed with cancer almost 10 months earlier. I know from my perspective, that the pain of Jeannine's death was all consuming and self-absorbing in the early stage of my journey.  I was also wracked with guilt and anger because of my perception that I could have somehow prevented Jeannine's death if I was less oblivious to her symptoms in the beginning. Trying to sort out the wreckage of my heart and soul was an all-consuming task and affected my ability to be present for my self, and my wife and Jeannine's two surviving brothers.  Plus the way I grieved was different from the way Cheri grieved and we both had to work to understand our unique styles and support them. 

Still Standing After All These Years

Cheri and I are still married and in many ways our relationship has become stronger in the aftermath of Jeannine's death. I believe that it is because our love and respect for each other never waned and in many ways became stronger. Separately we were able to find our own unique ways to deal with Jeannine’s death and together talk about them.

I also want to share some other observations about what I think may be helpful to couples who are dealing with catastrophic loss.

There is empowerment when couples are allowed to express their own unique experiences or perceptions outside of their relationship

Everyone has their own stories to tell and their own unique perceptions that drive those stories. The contract of marriage does not imply that the husband should routinely represent his wife’s reality about their son /daughter’s death and vice versa.  As a human service professional, I have seen the resentment first-hand of clients whose reality I have attempted to interpret.  I have learned to let the experience of my clients unfold and work with it non-judgmentally. I would encourage all couples to do the same in their relationships.

We all need a little tenderness

In "The Heart of the Matter," Don Henley sings that, We all need a little tenderness. How can love survive in such a graceless age?   Tenderness towards self and others is a requirement of our life long grief journey. It is important that we recognize and honor what we can or cannot do in our grief journeys and what are spouses can or cannot do as well.  Supporting without question, each other's unique expression of grief as well as understanding limitations is not only an act of grace and unconditional love but also a step towards becoming spiritually aware.

Forgiveness

Henley’s song also alludes to the importance of forgiveness even in the aftermath of relationship breakups. In the best of relationships, things may be said and done that profoundly hurt the other person. Particularly when catastrophic loss occurs, our emotions are raw and our thoughts are confused.  We may just be angry at the world. It is never too late to own our behavior with our spouses or others who we believe were affected by it.  To acknowledge our mistakes with others genuinely, allows us to acknowledge our humanness and in the process promotes more intimacy with those whom we love.

Forgiveness, though, can be more challenging with people whom we believe have irreparably hurt us. In every relationship there are lessons we have learned or gifts that we have received that can help us navigate the uncertain world of grief after the death of a loved one.  I believe that acknowledging those gifts not only helps us to adjust to loss, but also in the process constitutes acts of forgiveness towards those with whom we had prior conflict.

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance, and none can say while some fields will blossom and others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices in life no more easily made. And give. Give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than how is shared, and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.”

― Kent Nerburn

Out of the Darkness and Into the Sun

A Cold Case State of Mind

On most Fridays from 5:00pm to 11:00PM ,I am parked on the couch or in my bedroom, watching the "Cold Case" marathon on the ION channel. The premise of this seven year television series was a dedicated and passionate group of detectives who came together as a team  to solve open murder cases. The series had great acting,scripts and story lines. Each episode ended with a song that reflected the personality and struggles of the murder victim.             

A Child Dies

There was one episode that I watched this past Friday(5/4/12) that left a lasting impression on me. In it, a 15 -year- old girl was murdered before her dreams in life were fulfilled.  A song by Kelly Clarkson, called "Breakaway"ended the episode. The lyrics in this song reminded me so much of my daughter Jeannine, who died at the age of 18 ,on 3/1/03 of cancer. Jeannine had dreams of her own that she wanted to fulfill. During the early years following her death, I always felt that for whatever reason, she was not allowed to reach her true potential. 

The Urge to "Breakaway"

This past Sunday(5/6/12), I found myself thinking of Jeannine and simultaneously feeling the need to find the song "Breakaway." After purchasing it and downloading it to my I Tunes Library, I found the video. My intent was to post it on Facebook, with a tribute to Jeannine. However, for whatever reason, I could not get on the Internet. I felt that this occurrence was a sign from Jeannine to rethink posting the video. I inferred that she did not want to be honored or otherwise recognized, but why? 

It is Not About Me

After dinner on Sunday, I took a long walk around my neighborhood, IPOD in hand, and listened continuously to "Breakaway"while spending time with Jeannine. I began to reflect on her dreams that she pursued during her short life. She became a certified nurses aide, found the love of her life, got an opportunity to work with her mother, and gave birth to a daughter who in many ways had her mother's personality.  In the eyes of God, her true potential was fulfilled. Like it or not, Jeannine learned the lessons she needed to learn in this life ,in the time that she was given on earth.  In the eyes of human law,18 years was too short of a time; in the eyes of sacred law ,18 years was long enough.  During my walk, I began to realize that the song "Breakaway" had more significance beyond the personal meaning that it had for me. Many of my Facebook friends have been honoring the angelversary dates of their children whose dreams were unfulfilled during this lifetime. I now realized what Jeannine was trying to tell me: "Breakaway" was not just about our relationship. Rather, it was a tribute to all of our children who died before their dreams were fulfilled, and to the families who with honor and integrity are ensuring that their children's unfulfilled dreams are becoming a reality. So with that new insight, I posted a tribute on Facebook to all of our children and families left behind, with the Kelly Clarkson video as the inspiration for my words.

Memories Then, Memories Now

In early grief, memories of Jeannine brought up excruciating pain of what was and what could have been. Today those memories are an opportunity to spend time with her and learn from her divine wisdom.  

Cold Case, "Breakaway" and a long walk with Jeannine; different activities that converged to teach me a valuable lesson about our journeys. Everything is truly connected.

"Out of the darkness and into the sun, I won't forget all the ones that I love."

From the song :"Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson

The Tigger in All of Us

 The Wonderful Things About Tiggers

A good friend of mine sent me a clip of the song "The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers" on April 27th, which would have been my daughter Jeannine's 28th birthday. Jeannine became forever 18 on 3/1/03 as a result of a rare and aggressive form of sarcoma. Jeannine's favorite Disney character was Tigger. Jeannine loved Tigger because he bounced and was the only one. Jeannine certainly bounced and had what seemed to be an endless supply of energy during this lifetime. There were days that I got tired just trying to keep up with her. Jeannine was truly in my eyes the only one of her kind, a passionate ,heartfelt soul who defied conventional wisdom. I am convinced today that Tigger is as much a part of her spiritual identity on the other side. I believe that her Tigger energy is touching all whom she has met  . I know that the Tigger in her continues to redefine me ,teach me,and shape the path that I am on. Jeannine's  earthly life and eternal life continue to teach me that there is no such thing as conventional wisdom and  that there are several ways to go down the path of enlightenment. We may all bounce on that path differently, but our destination remains the same.

 Grief- An Uncomfortable Fit?

Tigger also boasted of a rubber top(in the video clip, he is stretching his ears). Rubber reminds me of the need to reshape our worlds after  our childrens' deaths .  Our life long journeys become more meaningful when we  reshape and stretch the boundaries of  our thinking about life and death, which in turn forces us to challenge beliefs that no longer suit us . It is at times an uncomfortable fit, but a necessary one if we are ever going to learn to live again,while celebrating the lives of our children.

Cuddle Your Grief: It is OK

In the song, Tigger boasts that "Tiggers are cuddly fellows." Throughout our journeys, sometimes we just need a hug or a reassuring touch or nod to let us know that there is hope and that we can transcend the most painful of tragedies. Sometimes others need the same from us. Actions of love  many times speak louder than words. Cuddling is a powerful form of presence  in our time of need and a powerful gesture of unconditional love. Whether you are the recipient or the giver , embrace  and celebrate that cuddling part of Tigger in your journey.

Tigger's Gifts

I like to think that our children were and are all Tiggers in their own way. Each of our children have unique gifts and an energy that positively and permanently affected anyone who had the privilege to bear witness to it. It is that energy that drives us as parents to make sure that they are always remembered and that their legacy lives on long after we cross over.   Celebrate the Tigger in your children and let their unique gifts, energy and talents continue to guide you on your journey. Maybe in the process, you will become a Tigger too.

The Naked Walk of Grief

  I have had several dreams since my daughter Jeannine died in March of 2003.  Through further exploration with a dear friend of mine whose passion is projective dream work , I have discovered that the lessons revealed have always been relevant to my journey.

                           My Journey Exposed                                

 With that, I want to share with you all a dream that I had last evening. I was walking down an unnamed street which was near my place of work. It appeared to be first light; but I believe I was walking at either 2 or 2:30am.  That was the time frame that came to me after I awoke. In addition, I was walking naked. I recall feeling panicked, not because I was naked, but because I was lost and didn't know how to find my way back. There was no one behind or ahead of me; I walked alone. After some trial  and error,I did eventually find my place of work.

Black and Elderly

Once I got back to work(still naked), I walked back to my office and saw an elderly black gentleman sitting at my desk. When he made eye contact I abruptly moved away. I then proceeded to go to another part of the building where I saw my immediate supervisor providing assistance to an elderly woman who had been attacked by her husband, whom I deduced had a form of dementia. Though groggy, she appeared to have recovered from the attack. At that point my dream ended.

Breathe

Before I went to work this morning, I was drawn to look at my CD collection and pulled out "Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick. I pulled out this CD specifically for one song called "Breathe(2am)." I discovered this song several years ago after watching the movie "Griffin And Phoenix." I played the song as I was going to work and got chills when I heard this one lyrical passage:

"2 am and I'm still awake writing a song

If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,

threatening the life that it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary screaming out loud."

My Truths Revealed

The chills  were due, I believe, to the synchronicity that I experienced with the lyrics of this song and my experience in dream time. The title of the song and the lyric alluded to 2am, the time that I sensed that I was walking in my dream . I was also naked in front of several people at work.  I will definitely explore the symbolism of my dream with my friend at some point. But I want to share with you my impressions of the truths that my dream was trying to reveal about our grief journeys:

• There are many times that we will feel lost and disoriented on our journeys. If we keep moving and have faith, we will eventually find our way again after the death of our loved ones.
• We all have stories inside of us to tell. Once we get those stories of our loved ones outside of us, whether on paper or otherwise, it not only helps us it helps others. Our spiritual lives are not threatened when we celebrate our ongoing connections to our deceased loved ones. if anything, sharing our stories enhances our connectedness with others, ourselves and the universe.
• The death of our loved ones strip us naked of our existing beliefs which are then replaced with others that help us adjust to our new reality.
• The elderly woman who survived the attack from her husband in my dream reminds us that we may feel battered and bruised many times throughout our grief journeys, but that we can also develop resiliency as a result of the challenges we face.
• The significance of the elderly black gentleman is unclear to me at this time. But  as I have discovered we don't always make instantaneous connections to events that transpire on our grief journeys. In time ,those connections will become apparent. When we make those connections, enlightenment follows.

Grief and The Strengths Perspective

As I draw nearer to retirement from state service, the memories about the colleagues whose association I have valued and the patients who have crossed my path during the past 27 years have increased in frequency.  I have also begun to reflect on the damage that well meaning human service professionals can do to clients who are in the early stages of trauma simply through the interventions that they use.

Since my daughter Jeannine's death on 3/1/03 at the age of 18, I have become more sensitive to the interventions used with  grieving clients that may unintentionally  undermine as oppose to validate their pain. Before I became a parent who experienced the death of a child, I know that I conducted many of these same interventions.  I recall in particular, using a stages of grief handout to try to help patients identify where they were or should be in their grief journey. Needless to say the circular nature of my own grief journey after Jeannine's death invalidated stage theory as a way to explain my experience or help others conceptualize there own. So I don't use it anymore to work with grieving clients.  My approaches now are more intuitive and dictated by the needs of the client.

One of the discoveries that I have made in working with chemically dependent clients ,especially in the last 9+ years of my career, is that they have experienced numerous losses that are both death and non-death related. From my perception, it would be damaging in the early stages of the client/counselor relationship to suggest to a grieving client( chemically dependent or not) that their previous experience with loss will by itself,make it easier to deal with their present loss. Every loss has its own unique set of challenges that are created by the cause of death, the stigma associated with cause of death(i.e. suicide), and the status of the relationship that the client had with their loved one ,prior to their death. Plus the client's pain may also be intensified because of the connections that he/she discovers between the person whose loss he/she is currently grieving and the individuals who predeceased that person. Finally to state that previous experience with loss will make their current struggle with loss easier, assumes that the client has had a prior history of successfully negotiating grief. What if that wasn't the case?

From my perspective, it would be better to be present for the client as they are describing the pain and challenges of their present loss  and asking them to identify the strengths they developed from their previous experiences, that will serve them well in the present. Framing the intervention in this manner validates the client's present pain while allowing them to identify strengths from their past experiences. So if you are a human service professional working with grieving clients , do not assume strength, ask them to discover what those strengths are.  Once a client owns their power, they will be empowered.

My Work-Life Review

I have been an addictions counselor for 27 years, and have worked in the same place for that entire time. I will be retiring from my full time job  July 12th of this year. I haven't officially filed the paperwork yet, but that will merely be a formality. I am prepared to close this chapter of my life and not look back. I will miss many of the staff that I have met over the years, and the day to day contacts with the patients. I am retiring mainly because I don't share  the work system's values and priorities anymore, and I can't pretend that I do.  I will simply channel my energy into more of the things that I am passionate about which is teaching,bereavement support , workshops and writing. I am also going to do some fun stuff that I didn't have time to pursue due to my daily work responsibilities.  I don't yet know what the fun stuff is going to be, but it will become clear to me in time.

Today ,I started the unenviable task of going through 27 years of materials that I have accumulated. I shred about two large garbage bags worth of paper that have no relevance to me now. I still have several more files of relevance to sort out before I retire. In the process of going through the first mounds of paper, there were two files that I kept. One was a power point presentation from 1996 and the other was correspondence that I accumulated between 2002 and 2003.

The power point presentation was given by a  committee of which I was a member, whose purpose was to examine ways to improve an aspect of our workplace. The presentation was made to two reviewers from the Joint Commission for the Accreditation of Hospital Organizations. Our facility was going through a re-accreditation process and our committee's presentation was an important part of that. The presentation was well received and we ended up getting an commendation from our director because of our performance. The presentation had more significance because my supervisor and mentor Don, who died of cancer in 1998, was instrumental in teaching us the lessons that helped us put our best foot forward . I kept the presentation because it will always be a reminder to me that the world lost one of the most brilliant and creative thinking individuals I know. He taught me how to treat people, manage treatment teams, and become a better person , therapist and a parent. He was also instrumental in helping my daughter Jeannine get through some challenges in her early adolescent years. His guidance helped Jeannine  eventually find her path and focus. I took Jeannine to see Don the day before he crossed over. His body was ravaged with cancer,but his spirit was irrepressible. I will always remember the smile on his face when he saw Jeannine. He called her "kid"; Jeannine loved him as a second father.  I loved Don too, and still do.

As I have written in my previous blogs ,Jeannine died at the age of 18 on 3/1/03 due to a rare form of cancer. As I looked over the correspondence that I collected from staff between 2002 and 2003             ( particularly in that 10 month time frame from diagnosis to death), the common denominator that I discovered was that it put a smile on my face. I will keep that correspondence because it is a reminder that we can find light in our darkest days and eventually that light transcends to hope and a desire to make our lives meaningful again. It will also remind me to tell the newly bereaved that it is ok to smile and that smiling does not disrespect the memory of our loved ones.

Sorting through my work files, represents for me a work-life review. I hope to discover many more connections and lessons that will serve me, my students and bereaved individuals well as I prepare to embark on a new chapter in my life.

We can learn from everything.  Wishing you all peace and enlightenment.

To Remember is Human

As I am now entering the tenth year of my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child ,I realize that my perspective on many things related to life and death have changed.  Today I had this revelation about the expectations that we place on remembering. In this context, I am referring to those individuals who don't acknowledge our children on those special days such as birthdays and angelversary dates. I started thinking about this when a friend of mine(and one whom loved Jeannine dearly when she was alive) apologized to me because she forgot to acknowledge Jeannine's angelversary(3/1) ,this year. This is a woman who several times a year acknowledges the love that she has for Jeannine. This to me trumps her forgetting to acknowledge Jeannine's angelversary date .

The truth be known ,is that as time goes on, more and more people forget to acknowledge our children on special days. Early in grief, their oversights of our children rips at our hearts and tears at our souls. The pain of our loss resurfaces and we may become more disillusioned and confused by the relationships we have with others. Later in grief, people forget. I have forgotten angelversary dates. It is what it is, a product of the imperfect nature of the human experience. To remember is human. It does not mean that friendships have to crumble because of one mistake or oversight. From my perspective, friendships crumble because of an enduring pattern of behaviors that compromise the integrity of the bond. 


On Jeannine's angelversary this year, I received a couple of calls from two of my close friends and an e-mail from a former Utica College student specifically acknowledging my daughter.  There were several of my close friends many whom I have met on this journey, who did not call or e-mail me. It did not affect me like it did in years past, or detract from the joy I experienced from those who reached out to me. Nor did it detract from the activities that I engaged in to honor and stay connected with Jeannine.  I believe that I felt this way because I have begun to release the traditional expectations of remembering in grief.

The essence of who Jeannine was in this life and who I believe she is in spirit is forever embodied in my body and soul. So anyone who either asks how I am  holding up or who otherwise demonstrates  kindness towards me, not only honors me but all who is a part of me. To remember me is to remember Jeannine, and any act of kindness or love directed towards me is directed to her. The friends and acquaintances that I have made on my journey have been wonderful to me and have demonstrated integrity in their actions towards me throughout the years. Their continued validation of me means that they have continually honored  and remembered Jeannine, and for that I am grateful.