The Heart of the Matter

Recently, I got a nudge to find a song on YouTube by Don Henley called "The Heart of the Matter." It is a song about the challenges of relationships and the pain arising from their endings. Since rediscovering the genius of Don Henley in this song, I have been giving thought to the challenges of relationships, particularly during difficult times.

Fantasy vs. Reality

I believe that from childhood, the expectation is that we will, in adulthood, meet the man or woman of our dreams, get married and live happily ever after. I remember that I had very idealized dreams in high school about what my marital relationship would look like. In my dreams, it was all utopic. The anticipation of struggle or pain is not usually entertained in fantasy. If it was, then we'd be fantasizing about reality, and who wants that?

I have been married for almost 30 years to a wonderful woman, and overall there have been some great memories and joyful moments involving our three children and us. There have also been the challenges of child rearing, finances and trying to many times muster up enough energy to carve out moments of time for each other. So for me, my actual marriage was quite different from my fantasized version, but if given the chance to do it over......... I wouldn't. 

The Greatest Challenge of All

The foundation for which our marriage was based underwent the greatest test of all when our daughter Jeannine died at the age of 18 on 3/1/03, after being diagnosed with cancer almost 10 months earlier. I know from my perspective, that the pain of Jeannine's death was all consuming and self-absorbing in the early stage of my journey.  I was also wracked with guilt and anger because of my perception that I could have somehow prevented Jeannine's death if I was less oblivious to her symptoms in the beginning. Trying to sort out the wreckage of my heart and soul was an all-consuming task and affected my ability to be present for my self, and my wife and Jeannine's two surviving brothers.  Plus the way I grieved was different from the way Cheri grieved and we both had to work to understand our unique styles and support them. 

Still Standing After All These Years

Cheri and I are still married and in many ways our relationship has become stronger in the aftermath of Jeannine's death. I believe that it is because our love and respect for each other never waned and in many ways became stronger. Separately we were able to find our own unique ways to deal with Jeannine’s death and together talk about them.

I also want to share some other observations about what I think may be helpful to couples who are dealing with catastrophic loss.

There is empowerment when couples are allowed to express their own unique experiences or perceptions outside of their relationship

Everyone has their own stories to tell and their own unique perceptions that drive those stories. The contract of marriage does not imply that the husband should routinely represent his wife’s reality about their son /daughter’s death and vice versa.  As a human service professional, I have seen the resentment first-hand of clients whose reality I have attempted to interpret.  I have learned to let the experience of my clients unfold and work with it non-judgmentally. I would encourage all couples to do the same in their relationships.

We all need a little tenderness

In "The Heart of the Matter," Don Henley sings that, We all need a little tenderness. How can love survive in such a graceless age?   Tenderness towards self and others is a requirement of our life long grief journey. It is important that we recognize and honor what we can or cannot do in our grief journeys and what are spouses can or cannot do as well.  Supporting without question, each other's unique expression of grief as well as understanding limitations is not only an act of grace and unconditional love but also a step towards becoming spiritually aware.

Forgiveness

Henley’s song also alludes to the importance of forgiveness even in the aftermath of relationship breakups. In the best of relationships, things may be said and done that profoundly hurt the other person. Particularly when catastrophic loss occurs, our emotions are raw and our thoughts are confused.  We may just be angry at the world. It is never too late to own our behavior with our spouses or others who we believe were affected by it.  To acknowledge our mistakes with others genuinely, allows us to acknowledge our humanness and in the process promotes more intimacy with those whom we love.

Forgiveness, though, can be more challenging with people whom we believe have irreparably hurt us. In every relationship there are lessons we have learned or gifts that we have received that can help us navigate the uncertain world of grief after the death of a loved one.  I believe that acknowledging those gifts not only helps us to adjust to loss, but also in the process constitutes acts of forgiveness towards those with whom we had prior conflict.

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance, and none can say while some fields will blossom and others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices in life no more easily made. And give. Give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than how is shared, and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.”

― Kent Nerburn