My Work-Life Review

I have been an addictions counselor for 27 years, and have worked in the same place for that entire time. I will be retiring from my full time job  July 12th of this year. I haven't officially filed the paperwork yet, but that will merely be a formality. I am prepared to close this chapter of my life and not look back. I will miss many of the staff that I have met over the years, and the day to day contacts with the patients. I am retiring mainly because I don't share  the work system's values and priorities anymore, and I can't pretend that I do.  I will simply channel my energy into more of the things that I am passionate about which is teaching,bereavement support , workshops and writing. I am also going to do some fun stuff that I didn't have time to pursue due to my daily work responsibilities.  I don't yet know what the fun stuff is going to be, but it will become clear to me in time.

Today ,I started the unenviable task of going through 27 years of materials that I have accumulated. I shred about two large garbage bags worth of paper that have no relevance to me now. I still have several more files of relevance to sort out before I retire. In the process of going through the first mounds of paper, there were two files that I kept. One was a power point presentation from 1996 and the other was correspondence that I accumulated between 2002 and 2003.

The power point presentation was given by a  committee of which I was a member, whose purpose was to examine ways to improve an aspect of our workplace. The presentation was made to two reviewers from the Joint Commission for the Accreditation of Hospital Organizations. Our facility was going through a re-accreditation process and our committee's presentation was an important part of that. The presentation was well received and we ended up getting an commendation from our director because of our performance. The presentation had more significance because my supervisor and mentor Don, who died of cancer in 1998, was instrumental in teaching us the lessons that helped us put our best foot forward . I kept the presentation because it will always be a reminder to me that the world lost one of the most brilliant and creative thinking individuals I know. He taught me how to treat people, manage treatment teams, and become a better person , therapist and a parent. He was also instrumental in helping my daughter Jeannine get through some challenges in her early adolescent years. His guidance helped Jeannine  eventually find her path and focus. I took Jeannine to see Don the day before he crossed over. His body was ravaged with cancer,but his spirit was irrepressible. I will always remember the smile on his face when he saw Jeannine. He called her "kid"; Jeannine loved him as a second father.  I loved Don too, and still do.

As I have written in my previous blogs ,Jeannine died at the age of 18 on 3/1/03 due to a rare form of cancer. As I looked over the correspondence that I collected from staff between 2002 and 2003             ( particularly in that 10 month time frame from diagnosis to death), the common denominator that I discovered was that it put a smile on my face. I will keep that correspondence because it is a reminder that we can find light in our darkest days and eventually that light transcends to hope and a desire to make our lives meaningful again. It will also remind me to tell the newly bereaved that it is ok to smile and that smiling does not disrespect the memory of our loved ones.

Sorting through my work files, represents for me a work-life review. I hope to discover many more connections and lessons that will serve me, my students and bereaved individuals well as I prepare to embark on a new chapter in my life.

We can learn from everything.  Wishing you all peace and enlightenment.

To Remember is Human

As I am now entering the tenth year of my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child ,I realize that my perspective on many things related to life and death have changed.  Today I had this revelation about the expectations that we place on remembering. In this context, I am referring to those individuals who don't acknowledge our children on those special days such as birthdays and angelversary dates. I started thinking about this when a friend of mine(and one whom loved Jeannine dearly when she was alive) apologized to me because she forgot to acknowledge Jeannine's angelversary(3/1) ,this year. This is a woman who several times a year acknowledges the love that she has for Jeannine. This to me trumps her forgetting to acknowledge Jeannine's angelversary date .

The truth be known ,is that as time goes on, more and more people forget to acknowledge our children on special days. Early in grief, their oversights of our children rips at our hearts and tears at our souls. The pain of our loss resurfaces and we may become more disillusioned and confused by the relationships we have with others. Later in grief, people forget. I have forgotten angelversary dates. It is what it is, a product of the imperfect nature of the human experience. To remember is human. It does not mean that friendships have to crumble because of one mistake or oversight. From my perspective, friendships crumble because of an enduring pattern of behaviors that compromise the integrity of the bond. 


On Jeannine's angelversary this year, I received a couple of calls from two of my close friends and an e-mail from a former Utica College student specifically acknowledging my daughter.  There were several of my close friends many whom I have met on this journey, who did not call or e-mail me. It did not affect me like it did in years past, or detract from the joy I experienced from those who reached out to me. Nor did it detract from the activities that I engaged in to honor and stay connected with Jeannine.  I believe that I felt this way because I have begun to release the traditional expectations of remembering in grief.

The essence of who Jeannine was in this life and who I believe she is in spirit is forever embodied in my body and soul. So anyone who either asks how I am  holding up or who otherwise demonstrates  kindness towards me, not only honors me but all who is a part of me. To remember me is to remember Jeannine, and any act of kindness or love directed towards me is directed to her. The friends and acquaintances that I have made on my journey have been wonderful to me and have demonstrated integrity in their actions towards me throughout the years. Their continued validation of me means that they have continually honored  and remembered Jeannine, and for that I am grateful.

 

Permission To Grow

Today is the ninth angelversary of Jeannine's crossing over to what I believe is a new life and existence. Our paths are forever entwined because I know that the essence of who she was in this life and is and will continue to be in her new life will forever be a part of me. I still at times miss Jeannine's physical presence and there were days leading up to this angelversary that I did , but that feeling of longing was eventually replaced by an inner peace because of the depth of the relationship that we enjoy now.

On March 10,2011,I wrote an article for Open to Hope in which(among other things) I shared a ritual that I developed(with Jeannine's help) for her eighth angelversary,involving music that we both enjoyed and which brought back fond memories of our relationship on earth. I spent an hour with music and Jeannine and eventually felt her presence. As I reflect, the ritual last year was about feeling her presence and staying connected.

As my journey after Jeannine's death has evolved so have my rituals. This morning my activities involved incense, prayer and music. My ritual was now a ceremony. I started my ceremony at about 5:30 AM. If you add the numbers 5,3 and 0, you come up with 8, which among other things is the symbol for infinity. I will describe my ceremony in general terms. I burned Native American incense that is designed for,  from my perception, cleansing and purification of the mind, body and soul. The music that I chose for this morning was a combination of instrumental and lyrical pieces that had the same intent as the incense that I chose(or chose me, depending on your perspective). I alternated music with prayer. There were two prayers that I used. One is a Native American prayer that I found that reinforced that our  deceased loved ones are still with us in all forms in the universe. If we are aware, willing and receptive, their presence will be felt.The second was a prayer that I wrote specifically for Jeannine, using Native American influences.  In it, I prayed that Jeannine would continue to develop the wisdom and spiritual growth in her new life to help enlighten others on their life journeys. I had finally in prayer, given her permission to grow in her new life. I also told God that I am fully entrusting Jeannine's soul to His care and guidance.   I also thanked God for his unending faith in me, even when I questioned my faith in Him. 

I tried to give Jeannine permission to grow in her life on earth, and to learn from her life experiences. It felt empowering today as her father to give her that same permission to grow in her new life and to share her wisdom with others who are doing the walk of life.

 There were three words that kept surfacing in my thoughts during the 50 minute ceremony that was developed in honor of Jeannine on her angelversary..........  Birth, Rebirth and Universe. At the time of our crossing over, we shed our bodies ........ but our souls live on, love prevails.

Finally, I want to combine two separate lyrics from two Eddie Vedder ( of Pearl Jam fame and an accomplished solo artist) songs from the sound track of the movie "Into the Wild", which I hope you can all use in your life journey. It goes like this:  Set forth in the universe.... this love has no ceiling.

The Wisdom in Journaling

  I have always been a firm believer in the benefits of journaling.  I journaled almost daily when my daughter Jeannine was first diagnosed in May of 2002 with a rare and incurable form of cancer. This continued for almost two years after her death on 3/1/03 ,at the age of 18.  My early journals were raw, filled with pain,anger and disbelief over the hand of cards that was dealt to me and Jeannine's mother and two brothers.I review those early journals periodically, and sometimes compare where I was then to where I am now. I have discovered today that my past contains lessons that are useful to me today. Plus as parents who have experienced the death of a child, it is not unusual to revisit our emotional pain from time to time.   In the past, I allowed my pain to disempower me, to immobilize me for long periods of time. Today I try to embrace it and learn from it.

Today I don't have a set schedule for private journaling.When I journal now, it is because I am inspired to do so or because of  an experience whose lesson I want to document while it is fresh in my mind.

With that being said, I want to share some  random insights from my journal entry dated 1/8/12. I titled my entry "Random Stuff."  Obviously, I had no plan as to what I was going to write ; the following  is some of what I was inspired to write in that moment.  I will also (if appropriate) reflect on the meanings that they have for me in this moment:

1. Jack Johnson(Singer/Songwriter)- "And if they tell you that love fades over time, tell them that there is no such thing as time." I remember putting this quote on my Facebook page some time ago and also recall now using this in a previous article as well. So why did this thought recycle itself? Well, one of the lessons that I have recently discovered is that truths we have learned previously and assimilate into our experience may resurface as the basis for even more lessons that can help us in our life long experiences as parents who have experienced the death of a child. I haven't yet figured out those lessons, but when the time is right, I will.   Plus, I love this quote because it so reinforces my belief that our relationships with our loved ones are ongoing and permanent  after they cross over. 

2. There is spirit in everything and in everything there is spirit.  Many  parents that I know have been graced with signs from their children(as have I).  Let the signs that you experience not only validate that our children are with us in a different from of energy, but allow you to see yourself as a truly spiritual being. If we can commit to this way of life, it allows us to see life and death differently.  We can change our perspective on life and death, if we choose to do so.


3. Life isn't always fair, there are challenges. I have tried to look at my journey after Jeannine's death today as a series of challenges that will allow me to continue the process of redefining who I am . When I am able to do this, I no longer assess what happens to me in life as being fair or unfair. I believe that when we get stuck in  the fair vs.unfair debate of life for any period of time, we become disempowered to thrive as a result of our struggle.

4. Socrates- " The unexamined life is not worth living."  This is another quote that recycled itself during my journaling session. In this moment, I believe that Socrates is a reminder to all of us that our learning on life's journey, no matter what that journey is,continues until we cross over to a new existence. I have been empowered by the truths that have been revealed to me on my journey , and excited by what this life has yet to teach me.

The Lessons in Transitions

My daughter Jeannine died on March 1,2003 at the age of 18 due to cancer. One of the things that I struggled with during my early grief was anger and guilt over the fact that I was too wrapped up with work and finishing graduate school to see what was happening to her sooner.  Of course given the fact that the type of cancer she had was incurable did nothing to lessen my regret or guilt. I was her father and one of my jobs was to protect her from harm. That was the one task that God gave me as a parent and in my mind, I had failed it miserably. Today, I revisit that place periodically, but choose not to stay there long because of a conscious decision to change my perspective on life and death.  Plus, I can't change my initial response to her illness, I can only hope to learn from it.

Let's now fast forward to January 29,2012. I was driving back from our Compassionate Friends chapter meeting in Little Falls, New York when I got a text from Patty. who is an interfaith minister, a dear friend, and  mentor for and witness to the spiritual path that I have embraced during the last 15 or so months of my life.  When I called Patty, she told me that she felt Jeannine’s presence during her walk on the beach and that Jeannine felt strongly that I needed to pay more attention to our two cats, Bootsy and Angel, but more so Bootsy at this time. I further discovered that paying attention meant being aware of the behaviors that could signal their transition from life to death.

Bootsy and Angel are my daughter Jeannine's cats.  They have both provided a source of comfort and companionship for me since Jeannine's death. I will be saddened when they cross over not only because of that but because of their connection to Jeannine.

 Prior to my conversation with Patty, Bootsy, who is 14, had a check up because he has been losing weight. Our vet did blood work and found no abnormalities. He did note that Bootsy lost two pounds since his last visit (roughly five years ago). He suggested that Bootsy take steroids to stimulate appetite, but me and my wife Cheri felt that the side effects outweighed the benefits. We decided to supplement his dry food diet with canned food, and for now it seems to be working.

On the following Monday the 30th, I instant messaged another friend of mine who I will refer to as  “Mary”,  and during the course of our conversation she told me that her golden retriever of nine-and-one-half years was going to be euthanized on Tuesday due to a brain tumor and other health concerns that were not responding to medication. During the course of our conversation, I began to reflect on our family's journey with our golden retriever Ginger, who we euthanized many years ago due to cancer and a variety of neurological problems. One of the things that eventually hit me was the fact that I was the last person to be present with both Ginger and Jeannine when they took their final breaths, which brought up a lot of painful memories. When I shared this revelation with Patty, she told me rather than being the last person to witness their deaths, that I was the first person to help Ginger and Jeannine transition to a new life. Having this shared with me gave me a new perspective on my pain.

In a subsequent conversation with “Mary" to see how she was holding up following the death of her beloved pet, I also talked with her about how angry and guilty I felt during my early grief,because of my perceived oblivion to Jeannine's cancer symptoms prior to diagnosis.  “Mary” had also told me about the amount of attention  and love that she and her family gave her beloved pet during the process of transitioning. Then at that moment, I realized that the message Jeannine relayed through Patty had additional significance. By paying more attention to the shifts in Bootsy's energy and other behaviors signaling his transition to the other side, I would get the opportunity to do what I did not do with Jeannine.  I could not go back in time and redo how I handled the shifts in Jeannine's energy and behavior, but I could do it now in the present, with her pet whom she loved dearly. I would also have a second chance to learn from my past. 

In addition, this experience reinforced for me the need to continue to challenge and modify beliefs that no longer apply to me in my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child.

" We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience."- Teilhard De Chardin

The Broken Places

I was watching a promotional ad on television recently for the show "Intervention" and saw a quote from Ernest Hemingway, which read: "The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway was one of the great American writers of his time, who died in 1961 as a result of suicide. As an aside, Neil Peart of Rush wrote the lyrics to a hauntingly beautiful song called "Losing It" which in part alluded to the rise and fall of Ernest Hemingway.

The first part of this quote: "The world breaks everyone", may seem on the surface to be both morbid and fatalistic. The reality is that if we live long enough, we will become broken by events in the world that are tragic and painful beyond belief. I believe that loss breaks everyone to one degree or another.  When my daughter Jeannine died in 2003, at the age of 18, many parts of me were broken. My faith, my trust in a greater good, my values, my hopes for the future, were all shattered beyond recognition. During my early grief, I never fathomed that the broken parts of me could ever be fixed.  I could not visualize experiencing joy again.

I am in the ninth year of my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child and I have been able to find joy and meaning again. In essence, I became stronger at the places that were broken after Jeannine's death. I did it by reading about other parents who became stronger at their broken places after their children died, and finding out how they did it. I also availed myself of the support of other parents who understood my pain and together we discovered how to fix the broken places.

Fixing the broken places of our grief does not mean that our world returns to the way it was before our children died, or that the pain of our loss ever truly goes away. What I believe we learn to do is fix the broken places of our grief in a way that allows us to find significance in a world that is different without our children.  Understanding that our relationships with our children continue after they cross over, and that they communicate signs of their presence has helped fix the broken places of my grief.

There is no time frame for fixing the broken places of our grief. It will take as long as it takes. As long as you are willing to work through your pain of loss, you will eventually learn new ways of dealing with it. Please remember, that hope for the promise of a redefined world after the death of our children, can come from the most unlikely of sources. Just be open to it happening and embrace it when it does.

The Pain of the Holidays

In early grief, it is difficult to find any meaning in pain. After my daughter Jeannine's death in 2003, the pain I experienced in early grief was raw and something that I feared. If I had a choice, I would have avoided it at all costs.  However, as I have learned we need to work through pain in order to be able to find greater meaning in our lives.

During the holidays our grief and pain tends to become more intensified.  The stress of holiday shopping and get togethers are stressful enough. The stress of grief makes these holiday events more stressful. Early on, I just wanted to fast forward to January, and skip the holidays all together.

In the ninth year of my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child, the holidays still present unique challenges for me. Thanksgiving and Christmas will be forever associated with the period of Jeannine's illness where I knew in my head and my heart that she was going to die. My expectation is that the pain of my early grief will continue to resurface during the holidays and will continue to until I cross over.

So what is different for me now? I have made a conscious choice to deal with my pain differently. During Thanksgiving dinner at my sister- in law's this year, I was missing the physical presence of my daughter. After dinner I decided to take a walk to clear my head.  I went  to my  deceased mother's former apartment which was less than a mile away. As I got closer to her apartment, I consciously introduced into my thoughts some positive memories of the relationship that Jeannine and my mother had. I immediately began to feel a sense of peace again. Shortly thereafter, the sky was lined three wide with a hundred or more crows flying west to east above me. I have recently begun to embrace Native American teachings about the power of animal medicine and the lessons that they teach.  From reading both Jaime Sams , Medicine Cards  and Ted Andrews, Animal Speaks, I have discovered that crow medicine is about among other things, sacred law as opposed to human law and that unexpected help with problems and obstacles is at hand to bring relief.

After Jeannine died, I realized that conventional wisdom or law was not going to help me adjust to my new reality.  I needed to look at relationships as occurring beyond the physical realm and be attuned to what the universe and all it has to offer was trying to teach me. Once I was able to do this, I began to find a new level of fulfillment in my life, and look at pain differently. 

In the ninth year of my journey after Jeannine's death,  I have discovered that allowing myself to be totally debilitated by pain is not going to improve the quality of the life that I am now destined to lead. I need to continue to evolve as a result of my experience with it.

I am wishing you all peace this holiday season.