The End of the Innocence

Living With Ambiguity

The older I get ,the more that I realize how quickly and drastically life can change. There are some events that defy logic, and despite our best efforts to try to make sense of them,  many unanswered questions will remain. I have learned in the almost ten years since the death of my own child to live with some unanswered questions, some ambiguity. I believe that as long as I do my best to find meaning and significance  in a world that has permanently changed and  can help others in the process, I can live with some unanswered questions.

Sandy Hook: A Return to the Land of Why

O' beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening… 

Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence 

From the song "The End of the Innocence by Don Henley

On Friday, December 14,2012, 26 people, 20 of whom were students between the ages of 6 and 7 were brutally gunned down at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Innocence died on that day, along with those children and educators.  Like everyone across our country and the world, I was profoundly affected by this tragedy. Like any parent who has experienced the death of a child, I have developed instant empathy for any parent who has become a member of a club; none of us ever envisioned being a part of at any time during our lives. Consequently, the raw emotional pain that I experienced after my daughter Jeannine died in 2003 resurfaced and remained for several days after Sandy Hook.  I also questioned why these beautiful and unconditionally loving children and the adults who were charged with educating and nurturing them had to die so tragically. I didn't stay in that place for long because I asked a lot of why questions after my daughter died. I never got an answer that satisfied me. The only resolution that would have been acceptable for me was for God to appear and tell me and my family that He had made a mistake, that He was returning Jeannine to us and that life as we knew it would be restored. Once I finally realized that that was not going to happen, I stopped asking the why questions. I then chose to focus on "Where do I go from here?"

The Need For Names
I spent a significant amount of time Friday and Saturday watching the news coverage surrounding the Sandy Hook victims. I wasn't concerned about the psychological profile of the shooter or the discussions about the need for more stringent gun control laws.  I was more concerned with the families of the victims and the impact of the shootings on the community of Newtown. I also felt the need to watch the news coverage until the names of the victims were released. I know how significant it was for me to hear Jeannine's name after she died. I wanted to be able to mention the first name of each of the victims of this tragedy in prayer. This would be my way to honor them and their families.

A Different Perspective

The Sandy Hook shootings have been one in a series of other mass murders that have seemed to occur with alarming regularity in our country over the last few years. Aurora, Colorado and Tucson, Arizona immediately come to mind. As I mentioned previously, the current gun control laws were scrutinized intensely by the media and many experts weighed in on the issue.  From my perspective, it is not just an issue of gun control.  For one thing, more resources for mental health treatment needs to be allocated. As an addiction professional who worked in the field for 27 years, there were always more chemically dependent and mentally ill clients that needed treatment, and fewer resources to serve them. The mantra was always" do more with less." Frankly, I could never figure out how to accomplish that without compromising the quality of treatment.  Our existing gun control laws and our mental health system are just two of the components that need to be examined.

President Obama remarked (and I am paraphrasing) at the interfaith vigil service in Newtown, that mental health professionals, parents and law enforcement need to come together to address the issue of violence in our country.

Politics aside, I agree with his observations.

What we have done to date hasn't worked.

We need to be proactive, not reactive.

Our entire society needs to be a part of the solution.

We cannot address ways to create a less violent environment for our children in a vacuum.



Closing Thoughts
Finally, it is my hope that the support and resources that are being offered to the Newtown community are available for the long term. I also believe that the families of the victims and the community need to empower themselves to determine when and how they avail themselves of that support and whom they choose to have support them. From my perspective, the death of my child was the most disempowering event of my life.  In retrospect, determining whether I needed to sit with my grief or ask for support from those with whom I was comfortable, helped me to take some power back in the early aftermath of Jeannine's death. The right for us to self determine what we need and how we will meet those needs empowers us in both the best of times and worst of times.

The victims' families will be on a life long journey of grief. For the siblings, grief for their deceased brothers and sisters will recapitulate throughout the life cycle. They will also be grieving for classmates who died as well as their teachers. The surviving teachers will grieve for colleagues lost and students who touched their lives and whose lives they touched. There will be many layers of lifetime grief to navigate.

 The families' ongoing connections to their deceased loved have been supported by the residents of that close knit community of Newtown, and will from my perspective continue to be supported for the long-term. This will not only allow the surviving family members to engage in the transformative process of grief, but will allow the entire community to do so as well.

The Armadillo

 Inspiration and Intent
During my journey following the death of my daughter Jeannine in 2003, I have tried to embrace many sources of inspiration to help me find meaning and in the process redefine who I am. I have also learned that when we state our intent to become inspired, we eventually inspire others by exposing them to the lessons that we have learned.
Animal Medicine
I have discovered the benefit of Native American Animal Medicine during the last 19 months of my journey. I have alluded to the lessons that I have learned from the animals who have crossed my path in previous blogs and articles that I have published. One of the tools that I have consistently used is a book called Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams, a revered Native American teacher. The book comes with a set of Animal Medicine cards. The teachings inherent to each animal is outlined in a corresponding chapter of the book. I don't have a set schedule for working with these cards, I simply let intuition rather than the passage of time be my guide.
Feeling Untethered
In early grief ,it is not uncommon for many to feel disassociated from their selves, surroundings and others around them . I believe that the profound alteration of our worldview due to a catastrophic loss
accounts for much or all of those feelings of dissociation. Another way to look at this is feeling untethered; similar to walking in a dreamlike state detached from everything around us that once had meaning in our lives.
Since I filed retirement paperwork in April of this year with the state of New York,  I have been experiencing the same sense of unthetheredness that I had in early grief, following Jeannine's death. Though I have long become disillusioned with a system that makes no sense to me anymore, I will still miss many of the colleagues whose company I have enjoyed and the patients who have touched my life. Though I believe that my life after retirement will be fulfilling and meaningful, it has been more stressful that I anticipated saying goodbye to a routine that has been part of my identity for over 27 years.

My Protective Armor/Walking the Ethereal
During the middle of last week, I got the urge to work with Jamie Sams' Medicine Cards.  I picked just one card: The Armadillo. In  several previous sessions , I never picked the Armadillo. However, as with every animal medicine card that I have chosen, the lesson was appropriate to my present reality.

According to Jamie Sams, the Armadillo "wears its armor on its back,its medicine a part of its body. Its boundaries of safety are a part of its total being." Sams goes on to write: "What a gift it is to set your boundaries so that harmful words or intentions just roll off. Your lesson is in setting up what you are willing to experience."(Sams,p. 149)

I recently had a conversation about transitioning out of my current job and the significance of the Armadillo with a close friend of mine who has witnessed my spiritual evolution in the last 19  months  and has been a wise mentor,in the process . I told her about my  feelings of disconnectedness from my work environment . I also told her that I seemed to be operating strictly from intuition. I have for a good deal of time now allowed my intuition or spirit to guide me, but  have always being able to make connections between my spiritual experience and experience in the physical world.  Due to what has been going on with me at work ,I have struggled to maintain that very important connection in my life.

My friend told me that   "walking the ethereal" without any  current sense of connection to the workplace was not necessarily a bad thing. She viewed my experience as a way to deal with leaving my job. In the context of Armadillo medicine, I  discovered that intuition has served to be the protective armor which has helped me focus on the practical matters( i.e packing my belongings, shredding materials that no longer applied to me) of leaving my job, while insulating me somewhat from the emotions tied to leaving those people who provided me with joy and validation during my career.  I have also concluded that intuition in later grief can, in certain situations, serve to be as much of a coping mechanism as shock and numbness were in early grief to allow me to deal with  practical matters such as Jeannine's funeral arrangements.

Redefining My Experience

Jamie  Sams makes a very simple but powerful suggestion as to how we can best use Armadillo medicine in our daily lives.  She suggests making a circle on a sheet of paper and to "see it as a medicine shield. Within the body of the shield, write down all the things that you are desiring to have, do or experience,including those things that give you joy. She further discloses that this sets up boundaries that allow those chosen experiences to be a part of your life(Sams,P.149). I did this exercise as it applied to my retirement from my job  but took it a step further. Outside the circle, I wrote down those things that I was not willing to experience or let penetrate my medicine shield . Doing this was empowering and has helped me to feel less untethered.

We can define what it is that we truly want to experience in all transitions in our life..... including our journeys after the death of our loved ones. Armadillo medicine can help us to represent our life experiences in ways that are true to who we are.  In the journey after loss, what we are willing to experience or not experience may change depending on where we are emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. The road to enlightenment was not meant to be a static process. Enlightenment is about finding our truth while representing our experiences as authentically and genuinely as humanly possible.

Express your lives as a demonstration of your highest beliefs, rather than a denial of them.
Neale Donald Walsch

The Heart of the Matter

Recently, I got a nudge to find a song on YouTube by Don Henley called "The Heart of the Matter." It is a song about the challenges of relationships and the pain arising from their endings. Since rediscovering the genius of Don Henley in this song, I have been giving thought to the challenges of relationships, particularly during difficult times.

Fantasy vs. Reality

I believe that from childhood, the expectation is that we will, in adulthood, meet the man or woman of our dreams, get married and live happily ever after. I remember that I had very idealized dreams in high school about what my marital relationship would look like. In my dreams, it was all utopic. The anticipation of struggle or pain is not usually entertained in fantasy. If it was, then we'd be fantasizing about reality, and who wants that?

I have been married for almost 30 years to a wonderful woman, and overall there have been some great memories and joyful moments involving our three children and us. There have also been the challenges of child rearing, finances and trying to many times muster up enough energy to carve out moments of time for each other. So for me, my actual marriage was quite different from my fantasized version, but if given the chance to do it over......... I wouldn't. 

The Greatest Challenge of All

The foundation for which our marriage was based underwent the greatest test of all when our daughter Jeannine died at the age of 18 on 3/1/03, after being diagnosed with cancer almost 10 months earlier. I know from my perspective, that the pain of Jeannine's death was all consuming and self-absorbing in the early stage of my journey.  I was also wracked with guilt and anger because of my perception that I could have somehow prevented Jeannine's death if I was less oblivious to her symptoms in the beginning. Trying to sort out the wreckage of my heart and soul was an all-consuming task and affected my ability to be present for my self, and my wife and Jeannine's two surviving brothers.  Plus the way I grieved was different from the way Cheri grieved and we both had to work to understand our unique styles and support them. 

Still Standing After All These Years

Cheri and I are still married and in many ways our relationship has become stronger in the aftermath of Jeannine's death. I believe that it is because our love and respect for each other never waned and in many ways became stronger. Separately we were able to find our own unique ways to deal with Jeannine’s death and together talk about them.

I also want to share some other observations about what I think may be helpful to couples who are dealing with catastrophic loss.

There is empowerment when couples are allowed to express their own unique experiences or perceptions outside of their relationship

Everyone has their own stories to tell and their own unique perceptions that drive those stories. The contract of marriage does not imply that the husband should routinely represent his wife’s reality about their son /daughter’s death and vice versa.  As a human service professional, I have seen the resentment first-hand of clients whose reality I have attempted to interpret.  I have learned to let the experience of my clients unfold and work with it non-judgmentally. I would encourage all couples to do the same in their relationships.

We all need a little tenderness

In "The Heart of the Matter," Don Henley sings that, We all need a little tenderness. How can love survive in such a graceless age?   Tenderness towards self and others is a requirement of our life long grief journey. It is important that we recognize and honor what we can or cannot do in our grief journeys and what are spouses can or cannot do as well.  Supporting without question, each other's unique expression of grief as well as understanding limitations is not only an act of grace and unconditional love but also a step towards becoming spiritually aware.

Forgiveness

Henley’s song also alludes to the importance of forgiveness even in the aftermath of relationship breakups. In the best of relationships, things may be said and done that profoundly hurt the other person. Particularly when catastrophic loss occurs, our emotions are raw and our thoughts are confused.  We may just be angry at the world. It is never too late to own our behavior with our spouses or others who we believe were affected by it.  To acknowledge our mistakes with others genuinely, allows us to acknowledge our humanness and in the process promotes more intimacy with those whom we love.

Forgiveness, though, can be more challenging with people whom we believe have irreparably hurt us. In every relationship there are lessons we have learned or gifts that we have received that can help us navigate the uncertain world of grief after the death of a loved one.  I believe that acknowledging those gifts not only helps us to adjust to loss, but also in the process constitutes acts of forgiveness towards those with whom we had prior conflict.

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance, and none can say while some fields will blossom and others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices in life no more easily made. And give. Give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than how is shared, and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.”

― Kent Nerburn

Out of the Darkness and Into the Sun

A Cold Case State of Mind

On most Fridays from 5:00pm to 11:00PM ,I am parked on the couch or in my bedroom, watching the "Cold Case" marathon on the ION channel. The premise of this seven year television series was a dedicated and passionate group of detectives who came together as a team  to solve open murder cases. The series had great acting,scripts and story lines. Each episode ended with a song that reflected the personality and struggles of the murder victim.             

A Child Dies

There was one episode that I watched this past Friday(5/4/12) that left a lasting impression on me. In it, a 15 -year- old girl was murdered before her dreams in life were fulfilled.  A song by Kelly Clarkson, called "Breakaway"ended the episode. The lyrics in this song reminded me so much of my daughter Jeannine, who died at the age of 18 ,on 3/1/03 of cancer. Jeannine had dreams of her own that she wanted to fulfill. During the early years following her death, I always felt that for whatever reason, she was not allowed to reach her true potential. 

The Urge to "Breakaway"

This past Sunday(5/6/12), I found myself thinking of Jeannine and simultaneously feeling the need to find the song "Breakaway." After purchasing it and downloading it to my I Tunes Library, I found the video. My intent was to post it on Facebook, with a tribute to Jeannine. However, for whatever reason, I could not get on the Internet. I felt that this occurrence was a sign from Jeannine to rethink posting the video. I inferred that she did not want to be honored or otherwise recognized, but why? 

It is Not About Me

After dinner on Sunday, I took a long walk around my neighborhood, IPOD in hand, and listened continuously to "Breakaway"while spending time with Jeannine. I began to reflect on her dreams that she pursued during her short life. She became a certified nurses aide, found the love of her life, got an opportunity to work with her mother, and gave birth to a daughter who in many ways had her mother's personality.  In the eyes of God, her true potential was fulfilled. Like it or not, Jeannine learned the lessons she needed to learn in this life ,in the time that she was given on earth.  In the eyes of human law,18 years was too short of a time; in the eyes of sacred law ,18 years was long enough.  During my walk, I began to realize that the song "Breakaway" had more significance beyond the personal meaning that it had for me. Many of my Facebook friends have been honoring the angelversary dates of their children whose dreams were unfulfilled during this lifetime. I now realized what Jeannine was trying to tell me: "Breakaway" was not just about our relationship. Rather, it was a tribute to all of our children who died before their dreams were fulfilled, and to the families who with honor and integrity are ensuring that their children's unfulfilled dreams are becoming a reality. So with that new insight, I posted a tribute on Facebook to all of our children and families left behind, with the Kelly Clarkson video as the inspiration for my words.

Memories Then, Memories Now

In early grief, memories of Jeannine brought up excruciating pain of what was and what could have been. Today those memories are an opportunity to spend time with her and learn from her divine wisdom.  

Cold Case, "Breakaway" and a long walk with Jeannine; different activities that converged to teach me a valuable lesson about our journeys. Everything is truly connected.

"Out of the darkness and into the sun, I won't forget all the ones that I love."

From the song :"Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson

The Tigger in All of Us

 The Wonderful Things About Tiggers

A good friend of mine sent me a clip of the song "The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers" on April 27th, which would have been my daughter Jeannine's 28th birthday. Jeannine became forever 18 on 3/1/03 as a result of a rare and aggressive form of sarcoma. Jeannine's favorite Disney character was Tigger. Jeannine loved Tigger because he bounced and was the only one. Jeannine certainly bounced and had what seemed to be an endless supply of energy during this lifetime. There were days that I got tired just trying to keep up with her. Jeannine was truly in my eyes the only one of her kind, a passionate ,heartfelt soul who defied conventional wisdom. I am convinced today that Tigger is as much a part of her spiritual identity on the other side. I believe that her Tigger energy is touching all whom she has met  . I know that the Tigger in her continues to redefine me ,teach me,and shape the path that I am on. Jeannine's  earthly life and eternal life continue to teach me that there is no such thing as conventional wisdom and  that there are several ways to go down the path of enlightenment. We may all bounce on that path differently, but our destination remains the same.

 Grief- An Uncomfortable Fit?

Tigger also boasted of a rubber top(in the video clip, he is stretching his ears). Rubber reminds me of the need to reshape our worlds after  our childrens' deaths .  Our life long journeys become more meaningful when we  reshape and stretch the boundaries of  our thinking about life and death, which in turn forces us to challenge beliefs that no longer suit us . It is at times an uncomfortable fit, but a necessary one if we are ever going to learn to live again,while celebrating the lives of our children.

Cuddle Your Grief: It is OK

In the song, Tigger boasts that "Tiggers are cuddly fellows." Throughout our journeys, sometimes we just need a hug or a reassuring touch or nod to let us know that there is hope and that we can transcend the most painful of tragedies. Sometimes others need the same from us. Actions of love  many times speak louder than words. Cuddling is a powerful form of presence  in our time of need and a powerful gesture of unconditional love. Whether you are the recipient or the giver , embrace  and celebrate that cuddling part of Tigger in your journey.

Tigger's Gifts

I like to think that our children were and are all Tiggers in their own way. Each of our children have unique gifts and an energy that positively and permanently affected anyone who had the privilege to bear witness to it. It is that energy that drives us as parents to make sure that they are always remembered and that their legacy lives on long after we cross over.   Celebrate the Tigger in your children and let their unique gifts, energy and talents continue to guide you on your journey. Maybe in the process, you will become a Tigger too.

The Naked Walk of Grief

  I have had several dreams since my daughter Jeannine died in March of 2003.  Through further exploration with a dear friend of mine whose passion is projective dream work , I have discovered that the lessons revealed have always been relevant to my journey.

                           My Journey Exposed                                

 With that, I want to share with you all a dream that I had last evening. I was walking down an unnamed street which was near my place of work. It appeared to be first light; but I believe I was walking at either 2 or 2:30am.  That was the time frame that came to me after I awoke. In addition, I was walking naked. I recall feeling panicked, not because I was naked, but because I was lost and didn't know how to find my way back. There was no one behind or ahead of me; I walked alone. After some trial  and error,I did eventually find my place of work.

Black and Elderly

Once I got back to work(still naked), I walked back to my office and saw an elderly black gentleman sitting at my desk. When he made eye contact I abruptly moved away. I then proceeded to go to another part of the building where I saw my immediate supervisor providing assistance to an elderly woman who had been attacked by her husband, whom I deduced had a form of dementia. Though groggy, she appeared to have recovered from the attack. At that point my dream ended.

Breathe

Before I went to work this morning, I was drawn to look at my CD collection and pulled out "Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick. I pulled out this CD specifically for one song called "Breathe(2am)." I discovered this song several years ago after watching the movie "Griffin And Phoenix." I played the song as I was going to work and got chills when I heard this one lyrical passage:

"2 am and I'm still awake writing a song

If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,

threatening the life that it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary screaming out loud."

My Truths Revealed

The chills  were due, I believe, to the synchronicity that I experienced with the lyrics of this song and my experience in dream time. The title of the song and the lyric alluded to 2am, the time that I sensed that I was walking in my dream . I was also naked in front of several people at work.  I will definitely explore the symbolism of my dream with my friend at some point. But I want to share with you my impressions of the truths that my dream was trying to reveal about our grief journeys:

• There are many times that we will feel lost and disoriented on our journeys. If we keep moving and have faith, we will eventually find our way again after the death of our loved ones.
• We all have stories inside of us to tell. Once we get those stories of our loved ones outside of us, whether on paper or otherwise, it not only helps us it helps others. Our spiritual lives are not threatened when we celebrate our ongoing connections to our deceased loved ones. if anything, sharing our stories enhances our connectedness with others, ourselves and the universe.
• The death of our loved ones strip us naked of our existing beliefs which are then replaced with others that help us adjust to our new reality.
• The elderly woman who survived the attack from her husband in my dream reminds us that we may feel battered and bruised many times throughout our grief journeys, but that we can also develop resiliency as a result of the challenges we face.
• The significance of the elderly black gentleman is unclear to me at this time. But  as I have discovered we don't always make instantaneous connections to events that transpire on our grief journeys. In time ,those connections will become apparent. When we make those connections, enlightenment follows.

Grief and The Strengths Perspective

As I draw nearer to retirement from state service, the memories about the colleagues whose association I have valued and the patients who have crossed my path during the past 27 years have increased in frequency.  I have also begun to reflect on the damage that well meaning human service professionals can do to clients who are in the early stages of trauma simply through the interventions that they use.

Since my daughter Jeannine's death on 3/1/03 at the age of 18, I have become more sensitive to the interventions used with  grieving clients that may unintentionally  undermine as oppose to validate their pain. Before I became a parent who experienced the death of a child, I know that I conducted many of these same interventions.  I recall in particular, using a stages of grief handout to try to help patients identify where they were or should be in their grief journey. Needless to say the circular nature of my own grief journey after Jeannine's death invalidated stage theory as a way to explain my experience or help others conceptualize there own. So I don't use it anymore to work with grieving clients.  My approaches now are more intuitive and dictated by the needs of the client.

One of the discoveries that I have made in working with chemically dependent clients ,especially in the last 9+ years of my career, is that they have experienced numerous losses that are both death and non-death related. From my perception, it would be damaging in the early stages of the client/counselor relationship to suggest to a grieving client( chemically dependent or not) that their previous experience with loss will by itself,make it easier to deal with their present loss. Every loss has its own unique set of challenges that are created by the cause of death, the stigma associated with cause of death(i.e. suicide), and the status of the relationship that the client had with their loved one ,prior to their death. Plus the client's pain may also be intensified because of the connections that he/she discovers between the person whose loss he/she is currently grieving and the individuals who predeceased that person. Finally to state that previous experience with loss will make their current struggle with loss easier, assumes that the client has had a prior history of successfully negotiating grief. What if that wasn't the case?

From my perspective, it would be better to be present for the client as they are describing the pain and challenges of their present loss  and asking them to identify the strengths they developed from their previous experiences, that will serve them well in the present. Framing the intervention in this manner validates the client's present pain while allowing them to identify strengths from their past experiences. So if you are a human service professional working with grieving clients , do not assume strength, ask them to discover what those strengths are.  Once a client owns their power, they will be empowered.

My Work-Life Review

I have been an addictions counselor for 27 years, and have worked in the same place for that entire time. I will be retiring from my full time job  July 12th of this year. I haven't officially filed the paperwork yet, but that will merely be a formality. I am prepared to close this chapter of my life and not look back. I will miss many of the staff that I have met over the years, and the day to day contacts with the patients. I am retiring mainly because I don't share  the work system's values and priorities anymore, and I can't pretend that I do.  I will simply channel my energy into more of the things that I am passionate about which is teaching,bereavement support , workshops and writing. I am also going to do some fun stuff that I didn't have time to pursue due to my daily work responsibilities.  I don't yet know what the fun stuff is going to be, but it will become clear to me in time.

Today ,I started the unenviable task of going through 27 years of materials that I have accumulated. I shred about two large garbage bags worth of paper that have no relevance to me now. I still have several more files of relevance to sort out before I retire. In the process of going through the first mounds of paper, there were two files that I kept. One was a power point presentation from 1996 and the other was correspondence that I accumulated between 2002 and 2003.

The power point presentation was given by a  committee of which I was a member, whose purpose was to examine ways to improve an aspect of our workplace. The presentation was made to two reviewers from the Joint Commission for the Accreditation of Hospital Organizations. Our facility was going through a re-accreditation process and our committee's presentation was an important part of that. The presentation was well received and we ended up getting an commendation from our director because of our performance. The presentation had more significance because my supervisor and mentor Don, who died of cancer in 1998, was instrumental in teaching us the lessons that helped us put our best foot forward . I kept the presentation because it will always be a reminder to me that the world lost one of the most brilliant and creative thinking individuals I know. He taught me how to treat people, manage treatment teams, and become a better person , therapist and a parent. He was also instrumental in helping my daughter Jeannine get through some challenges in her early adolescent years. His guidance helped Jeannine  eventually find her path and focus. I took Jeannine to see Don the day before he crossed over. His body was ravaged with cancer,but his spirit was irrepressible. I will always remember the smile on his face when he saw Jeannine. He called her "kid"; Jeannine loved him as a second father.  I loved Don too, and still do.

As I have written in my previous blogs ,Jeannine died at the age of 18 on 3/1/03 due to a rare form of cancer. As I looked over the correspondence that I collected from staff between 2002 and 2003             ( particularly in that 10 month time frame from diagnosis to death), the common denominator that I discovered was that it put a smile on my face. I will keep that correspondence because it is a reminder that we can find light in our darkest days and eventually that light transcends to hope and a desire to make our lives meaningful again. It will also remind me to tell the newly bereaved that it is ok to smile and that smiling does not disrespect the memory of our loved ones.

Sorting through my work files, represents for me a work-life review. I hope to discover many more connections and lessons that will serve me, my students and bereaved individuals well as I prepare to embark on a new chapter in my life.

We can learn from everything.  Wishing you all peace and enlightenment.

To Remember is Human

As I am now entering the tenth year of my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child ,I realize that my perspective on many things related to life and death have changed.  Today I had this revelation about the expectations that we place on remembering. In this context, I am referring to those individuals who don't acknowledge our children on those special days such as birthdays and angelversary dates. I started thinking about this when a friend of mine(and one whom loved Jeannine dearly when she was alive) apologized to me because she forgot to acknowledge Jeannine's angelversary(3/1) ,this year. This is a woman who several times a year acknowledges the love that she has for Jeannine. This to me trumps her forgetting to acknowledge Jeannine's angelversary date .

The truth be known ,is that as time goes on, more and more people forget to acknowledge our children on special days. Early in grief, their oversights of our children rips at our hearts and tears at our souls. The pain of our loss resurfaces and we may become more disillusioned and confused by the relationships we have with others. Later in grief, people forget. I have forgotten angelversary dates. It is what it is, a product of the imperfect nature of the human experience. To remember is human. It does not mean that friendships have to crumble because of one mistake or oversight. From my perspective, friendships crumble because of an enduring pattern of behaviors that compromise the integrity of the bond. 


On Jeannine's angelversary this year, I received a couple of calls from two of my close friends and an e-mail from a former Utica College student specifically acknowledging my daughter.  There were several of my close friends many whom I have met on this journey, who did not call or e-mail me. It did not affect me like it did in years past, or detract from the joy I experienced from those who reached out to me. Nor did it detract from the activities that I engaged in to honor and stay connected with Jeannine.  I believe that I felt this way because I have begun to release the traditional expectations of remembering in grief.

The essence of who Jeannine was in this life and who I believe she is in spirit is forever embodied in my body and soul. So anyone who either asks how I am  holding up or who otherwise demonstrates  kindness towards me, not only honors me but all who is a part of me. To remember me is to remember Jeannine, and any act of kindness or love directed towards me is directed to her. The friends and acquaintances that I have made on my journey have been wonderful to me and have demonstrated integrity in their actions towards me throughout the years. Their continued validation of me means that they have continually honored  and remembered Jeannine, and for that I am grateful.

 

Permission To Grow

Today is the ninth angelversary of Jeannine's crossing over to what I believe is a new life and existence. Our paths are forever entwined because I know that the essence of who she was in this life and is and will continue to be in her new life will forever be a part of me. I still at times miss Jeannine's physical presence and there were days leading up to this angelversary that I did , but that feeling of longing was eventually replaced by an inner peace because of the depth of the relationship that we enjoy now.

On March 10,2011,I wrote an article for Open to Hope in which(among other things) I shared a ritual that I developed(with Jeannine's help) for her eighth angelversary,involving music that we both enjoyed and which brought back fond memories of our relationship on earth. I spent an hour with music and Jeannine and eventually felt her presence. As I reflect, the ritual last year was about feeling her presence and staying connected.

As my journey after Jeannine's death has evolved so have my rituals. This morning my activities involved incense, prayer and music. My ritual was now a ceremony. I started my ceremony at about 5:30 AM. If you add the numbers 5,3 and 0, you come up with 8, which among other things is the symbol for infinity. I will describe my ceremony in general terms. I burned Native American incense that is designed for,  from my perception, cleansing and purification of the mind, body and soul. The music that I chose for this morning was a combination of instrumental and lyrical pieces that had the same intent as the incense that I chose(or chose me, depending on your perspective). I alternated music with prayer. There were two prayers that I used. One is a Native American prayer that I found that reinforced that our  deceased loved ones are still with us in all forms in the universe. If we are aware, willing and receptive, their presence will be felt.The second was a prayer that I wrote specifically for Jeannine, using Native American influences.  In it, I prayed that Jeannine would continue to develop the wisdom and spiritual growth in her new life to help enlighten others on their life journeys. I had finally in prayer, given her permission to grow in her new life. I also told God that I am fully entrusting Jeannine's soul to His care and guidance.   I also thanked God for his unending faith in me, even when I questioned my faith in Him. 

I tried to give Jeannine permission to grow in her life on earth, and to learn from her life experiences. It felt empowering today as her father to give her that same permission to grow in her new life and to share her wisdom with others who are doing the walk of life.

 There were three words that kept surfacing in my thoughts during the 50 minute ceremony that was developed in honor of Jeannine on her angelversary..........  Birth, Rebirth and Universe. At the time of our crossing over, we shed our bodies ........ but our souls live on, love prevails.

Finally, I want to combine two separate lyrics from two Eddie Vedder ( of Pearl Jam fame and an accomplished solo artist) songs from the sound track of the movie "Into the Wild", which I hope you can all use in your life journey. It goes like this:  Set forth in the universe.... this love has no ceiling.

The Wisdom in Journaling

  I have always been a firm believer in the benefits of journaling.  I journaled almost daily when my daughter Jeannine was first diagnosed in May of 2002 with a rare and incurable form of cancer. This continued for almost two years after her death on 3/1/03 ,at the age of 18.  My early journals were raw, filled with pain,anger and disbelief over the hand of cards that was dealt to me and Jeannine's mother and two brothers.I review those early journals periodically, and sometimes compare where I was then to where I am now. I have discovered today that my past contains lessons that are useful to me today. Plus as parents who have experienced the death of a child, it is not unusual to revisit our emotional pain from time to time.   In the past, I allowed my pain to disempower me, to immobilize me for long periods of time. Today I try to embrace it and learn from it.

Today I don't have a set schedule for private journaling.When I journal now, it is because I am inspired to do so or because of  an experience whose lesson I want to document while it is fresh in my mind.

With that being said, I want to share some  random insights from my journal entry dated 1/8/12. I titled my entry "Random Stuff."  Obviously, I had no plan as to what I was going to write ; the following  is some of what I was inspired to write in that moment.  I will also (if appropriate) reflect on the meanings that they have for me in this moment:

1. Jack Johnson(Singer/Songwriter)- "And if they tell you that love fades over time, tell them that there is no such thing as time." I remember putting this quote on my Facebook page some time ago and also recall now using this in a previous article as well. So why did this thought recycle itself? Well, one of the lessons that I have recently discovered is that truths we have learned previously and assimilate into our experience may resurface as the basis for even more lessons that can help us in our life long experiences as parents who have experienced the death of a child. I haven't yet figured out those lessons, but when the time is right, I will.   Plus, I love this quote because it so reinforces my belief that our relationships with our loved ones are ongoing and permanent  after they cross over. 

2. There is spirit in everything and in everything there is spirit.  Many  parents that I know have been graced with signs from their children(as have I).  Let the signs that you experience not only validate that our children are with us in a different from of energy, but allow you to see yourself as a truly spiritual being. If we can commit to this way of life, it allows us to see life and death differently.  We can change our perspective on life and death, if we choose to do so.


3. Life isn't always fair, there are challenges. I have tried to look at my journey after Jeannine's death today as a series of challenges that will allow me to continue the process of redefining who I am . When I am able to do this, I no longer assess what happens to me in life as being fair or unfair. I believe that when we get stuck in  the fair vs.unfair debate of life for any period of time, we become disempowered to thrive as a result of our struggle.

4. Socrates- " The unexamined life is not worth living."  This is another quote that recycled itself during my journaling session. In this moment, I believe that Socrates is a reminder to all of us that our learning on life's journey, no matter what that journey is,continues until we cross over to a new existence. I have been empowered by the truths that have been revealed to me on my journey , and excited by what this life has yet to teach me.

The Lessons in Transitions

My daughter Jeannine died on March 1,2003 at the age of 18 due to cancer. One of the things that I struggled with during my early grief was anger and guilt over the fact that I was too wrapped up with work and finishing graduate school to see what was happening to her sooner.  Of course given the fact that the type of cancer she had was incurable did nothing to lessen my regret or guilt. I was her father and one of my jobs was to protect her from harm. That was the one task that God gave me as a parent and in my mind, I had failed it miserably. Today, I revisit that place periodically, but choose not to stay there long because of a conscious decision to change my perspective on life and death.  Plus, I can't change my initial response to her illness, I can only hope to learn from it.

Let's now fast forward to January 29,2012. I was driving back from our Compassionate Friends chapter meeting in Little Falls, New York when I got a text from Patty. who is an interfaith minister, a dear friend, and  mentor for and witness to the spiritual path that I have embraced during the last 15 or so months of my life.  When I called Patty, she told me that she felt Jeannine’s presence during her walk on the beach and that Jeannine felt strongly that I needed to pay more attention to our two cats, Bootsy and Angel, but more so Bootsy at this time. I further discovered that paying attention meant being aware of the behaviors that could signal their transition from life to death.

Bootsy and Angel are my daughter Jeannine's cats.  They have both provided a source of comfort and companionship for me since Jeannine's death. I will be saddened when they cross over not only because of that but because of their connection to Jeannine.

 Prior to my conversation with Patty, Bootsy, who is 14, had a check up because he has been losing weight. Our vet did blood work and found no abnormalities. He did note that Bootsy lost two pounds since his last visit (roughly five years ago). He suggested that Bootsy take steroids to stimulate appetite, but me and my wife Cheri felt that the side effects outweighed the benefits. We decided to supplement his dry food diet with canned food, and for now it seems to be working.

On the following Monday the 30th, I instant messaged another friend of mine who I will refer to as  “Mary”,  and during the course of our conversation she told me that her golden retriever of nine-and-one-half years was going to be euthanized on Tuesday due to a brain tumor and other health concerns that were not responding to medication. During the course of our conversation, I began to reflect on our family's journey with our golden retriever Ginger, who we euthanized many years ago due to cancer and a variety of neurological problems. One of the things that eventually hit me was the fact that I was the last person to be present with both Ginger and Jeannine when they took their final breaths, which brought up a lot of painful memories. When I shared this revelation with Patty, she told me rather than being the last person to witness their deaths, that I was the first person to help Ginger and Jeannine transition to a new life. Having this shared with me gave me a new perspective on my pain.

In a subsequent conversation with “Mary" to see how she was holding up following the death of her beloved pet, I also talked with her about how angry and guilty I felt during my early grief,because of my perceived oblivion to Jeannine's cancer symptoms prior to diagnosis.  “Mary” had also told me about the amount of attention  and love that she and her family gave her beloved pet during the process of transitioning. Then at that moment, I realized that the message Jeannine relayed through Patty had additional significance. By paying more attention to the shifts in Bootsy's energy and other behaviors signaling his transition to the other side, I would get the opportunity to do what I did not do with Jeannine.  I could not go back in time and redo how I handled the shifts in Jeannine's energy and behavior, but I could do it now in the present, with her pet whom she loved dearly. I would also have a second chance to learn from my past. 

In addition, this experience reinforced for me the need to continue to challenge and modify beliefs that no longer apply to me in my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child.

" We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience."- Teilhard De Chardin