Why Ask Questions

I recently had the honor of being the opening keynote speaker for this years national gathering of the Bereaved Parents of  the USA.   I spoke about the evolution of my grief and observations and lessons learned that have helped me adjust to the reality of life without the physical presence of my daughter Jeannine.

One of the things that I addressed during my speech was the need to ask "what if, "could of ",should of, and "why" questions throughout my early grief ,which was for me about, two and one-half years. I say "for me" because everyone's grief journey is individualized. And since our journeys are life long, the time it takes to navigate early, middle and later grief is irrelevant. What is relevant is that we consistently do our grief work with the help and support of others who understand our pain. 

Asking questions is an expected part of our journeys as bereaved parents .  The rules I lived by changed after Jeannine died , so questioning what happened was required to try to make sense out of what happened to me and my family.

Here are some of the  should of and would of and why questions I consistently asked . What if I convinced Jeannine to do one more clinical trial? Should I have done more to protect her from her disease? If I wasn’t so oblivious to the condition of her foot, could I have gotten her evaluated sooner? And more so, why did she have to die and why was my family forced to bear this terrible pain and suffering. I asked and I asked and I asked, but no answer I came up with or rationalized seemed to satisfy me or change the reality of my situation.I was like a cat chasing its tail.  The only satisfactory resolution to my questions   would have been to have God himself come down from heaven and inform me and my family that  he was going to reverse his decision, give Jeannine back to us  and return things to the way they were. Because I knew this wasn't possible  I eventually stopped asking those questions. And when I stopped asking the questions, I got the answers that I needed. As a result, I was able to find joy and meaning again without the physical presence of Jeannine.