A Redefined vs. A Better Self

I have often mentioned to others that I have become a redefined person since my daughter Jeannine died , over eight years ago. I don't say I am a better person, because I am reminded about the comment that a bereaved father made to me recently. The comment was: "Why did my daughter have to die for me to become a better person?" I didn't have an answer for that one, and I doubt that I ever will.

It is easy for me  to discuss with others how Jeannine's death has redefined me, because I am no longer the same person that I was when she was alive. I have discovered that relationships with our loved ones are ongoing and that if you are open to it, our deceased children continue to guide us towards a more enlightened path. As a result I have discovered a heightened sense of spirituality, awareness that all things are somehow connected and increased benevolence and love towards others who have experienced unthinkable loss.

I have also become aware that we can learn from everything around us. The Native Americans teach us that there is spirit in everything, the earth, wind , rain and animals.  A great book that discusses the role of animal medicine in our spiritual journeys is "Medicine Cards" by Jamie Sams.In the last several months of my journey, I have tried to be aware of the animals that regularly cross my path. Whenever I see a particular animal with regularity, I consult the  Sams book ,read the teachings associated with that animal, and try to relate them to what is transpiring in my life in the present. More often than not the teaching corresponds to my present reality, and gives me another tool on my lifelong grief journey.

If we commit to walking in awareness in our grief journeys, we can embrace new lessons from places and entities that we never thought possible before we experienced the death of our loved ones. Now granted, there are days where the pain of the physical absence of my daughter Jeannine outweighs any spiritual or practical lessons learned. However,most days now, I take comfort knowing that Jeannine is my guide on my personal journey of redefinition and enlightenment.

Why Ask Questions

I recently had the honor of being the opening keynote speaker for this years national gathering of the Bereaved Parents of  the USA.   I spoke about the evolution of my grief and observations and lessons learned that have helped me adjust to the reality of life without the physical presence of my daughter Jeannine.

One of the things that I addressed during my speech was the need to ask "what if, "could of ",should of, and "why" questions throughout my early grief ,which was for me about, two and one-half years. I say "for me" because everyone's grief journey is individualized. And since our journeys are life long, the time it takes to navigate early, middle and later grief is irrelevant. What is relevant is that we consistently do our grief work with the help and support of others who understand our pain. 

Asking questions is an expected part of our journeys as bereaved parents .  The rules I lived by changed after Jeannine died , so questioning what happened was required to try to make sense out of what happened to me and my family.

Here are some of the  should of and would of and why questions I consistently asked . What if I convinced Jeannine to do one more clinical trial? Should I have done more to protect her from her disease? If I wasn’t so oblivious to the condition of her foot, could I have gotten her evaluated sooner? And more so, why did she have to die and why was my family forced to bear this terrible pain and suffering. I asked and I asked and I asked, but no answer I came up with or rationalized seemed to satisfy me or change the reality of my situation.I was like a cat chasing its tail.  The only satisfactory resolution to my questions   would have been to have God himself come down from heaven and inform me and my family that  he was going to reverse his decision, give Jeannine back to us  and return things to the way they were. Because I knew this wasn't possible  I eventually stopped asking those questions. And when I stopped asking the questions, I got the answers that I needed. As a result, I was able to find joy and meaning again without the physical presence of Jeannine.