The Naked Walk of Grief

  I have had several dreams since my daughter Jeannine died in March of 2003.  Through further exploration with a dear friend of mine whose passion is projective dream work , I have discovered that the lessons revealed have always been relevant to my journey.

                           My Journey Exposed                                

 With that, I want to share with you all a dream that I had last evening. I was walking down an unnamed street which was near my place of work. It appeared to be first light; but I believe I was walking at either 2 or 2:30am.  That was the time frame that came to me after I awoke. In addition, I was walking naked. I recall feeling panicked, not because I was naked, but because I was lost and didn't know how to find my way back. There was no one behind or ahead of me; I walked alone. After some trial  and error,I did eventually find my place of work.

Black and Elderly

Once I got back to work(still naked), I walked back to my office and saw an elderly black gentleman sitting at my desk. When he made eye contact I abruptly moved away. I then proceeded to go to another part of the building where I saw my immediate supervisor providing assistance to an elderly woman who had been attacked by her husband, whom I deduced had a form of dementia. Though groggy, she appeared to have recovered from the attack. At that point my dream ended.

Breathe

Before I went to work this morning, I was drawn to look at my CD collection and pulled out "Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick. I pulled out this CD specifically for one song called "Breathe(2am)." I discovered this song several years ago after watching the movie "Griffin And Phoenix." I played the song as I was going to work and got chills when I heard this one lyrical passage:

"2 am and I'm still awake writing a song

If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,

threatening the life that it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary screaming out loud."

My Truths Revealed

The chills  were due, I believe, to the synchronicity that I experienced with the lyrics of this song and my experience in dream time. The title of the song and the lyric alluded to 2am, the time that I sensed that I was walking in my dream . I was also naked in front of several people at work.  I will definitely explore the symbolism of my dream with my friend at some point. But I want to share with you my impressions of the truths that my dream was trying to reveal about our grief journeys:

• There are many times that we will feel lost and disoriented on our journeys. If we keep moving and have faith, we will eventually find our way again after the death of our loved ones.
• We all have stories inside of us to tell. Once we get those stories of our loved ones outside of us, whether on paper or otherwise, it not only helps us it helps others. Our spiritual lives are not threatened when we celebrate our ongoing connections to our deceased loved ones. if anything, sharing our stories enhances our connectedness with others, ourselves and the universe.
• The death of our loved ones strip us naked of our existing beliefs which are then replaced with others that help us adjust to our new reality.
• The elderly woman who survived the attack from her husband in my dream reminds us that we may feel battered and bruised many times throughout our grief journeys, but that we can also develop resiliency as a result of the challenges we face.
• The significance of the elderly black gentleman is unclear to me at this time. But  as I have discovered we don't always make instantaneous connections to events that transpire on our grief journeys. In time ,those connections will become apparent. When we make those connections, enlightenment follows.

Grief and The Strengths Perspective

As I draw nearer to retirement from state service, the memories about the colleagues whose association I have valued and the patients who have crossed my path during the past 27 years have increased in frequency.  I have also begun to reflect on the damage that well meaning human service professionals can do to clients who are in the early stages of trauma simply through the interventions that they use.

Since my daughter Jeannine's death on 3/1/03 at the age of 18, I have become more sensitive to the interventions used with  grieving clients that may unintentionally  undermine as oppose to validate their pain. Before I became a parent who experienced the death of a child, I know that I conducted many of these same interventions.  I recall in particular, using a stages of grief handout to try to help patients identify where they were or should be in their grief journey. Needless to say the circular nature of my own grief journey after Jeannine's death invalidated stage theory as a way to explain my experience or help others conceptualize there own. So I don't use it anymore to work with grieving clients.  My approaches now are more intuitive and dictated by the needs of the client.

One of the discoveries that I have made in working with chemically dependent clients ,especially in the last 9+ years of my career, is that they have experienced numerous losses that are both death and non-death related. From my perception, it would be damaging in the early stages of the client/counselor relationship to suggest to a grieving client( chemically dependent or not) that their previous experience with loss will by itself,make it easier to deal with their present loss. Every loss has its own unique set of challenges that are created by the cause of death, the stigma associated with cause of death(i.e. suicide), and the status of the relationship that the client had with their loved one ,prior to their death. Plus the client's pain may also be intensified because of the connections that he/she discovers between the person whose loss he/she is currently grieving and the individuals who predeceased that person. Finally to state that previous experience with loss will make their current struggle with loss easier, assumes that the client has had a prior history of successfully negotiating grief. What if that wasn't the case?

From my perspective, it would be better to be present for the client as they are describing the pain and challenges of their present loss  and asking them to identify the strengths they developed from their previous experiences, that will serve them well in the present. Framing the intervention in this manner validates the client's present pain while allowing them to identify strengths from their past experiences. So if you are a human service professional working with grieving clients , do not assume strength, ask them to discover what those strengths are.  Once a client owns their power, they will be empowered.

My Work-Life Review

I have been an addictions counselor for 27 years, and have worked in the same place for that entire time. I will be retiring from my full time job  July 12th of this year. I haven't officially filed the paperwork yet, but that will merely be a formality. I am prepared to close this chapter of my life and not look back. I will miss many of the staff that I have met over the years, and the day to day contacts with the patients. I am retiring mainly because I don't share  the work system's values and priorities anymore, and I can't pretend that I do.  I will simply channel my energy into more of the things that I am passionate about which is teaching,bereavement support , workshops and writing. I am also going to do some fun stuff that I didn't have time to pursue due to my daily work responsibilities.  I don't yet know what the fun stuff is going to be, but it will become clear to me in time.

Today ,I started the unenviable task of going through 27 years of materials that I have accumulated. I shred about two large garbage bags worth of paper that have no relevance to me now. I still have several more files of relevance to sort out before I retire. In the process of going through the first mounds of paper, there were two files that I kept. One was a power point presentation from 1996 and the other was correspondence that I accumulated between 2002 and 2003.

The power point presentation was given by a  committee of which I was a member, whose purpose was to examine ways to improve an aspect of our workplace. The presentation was made to two reviewers from the Joint Commission for the Accreditation of Hospital Organizations. Our facility was going through a re-accreditation process and our committee's presentation was an important part of that. The presentation was well received and we ended up getting an commendation from our director because of our performance. The presentation had more significance because my supervisor and mentor Don, who died of cancer in 1998, was instrumental in teaching us the lessons that helped us put our best foot forward . I kept the presentation because it will always be a reminder to me that the world lost one of the most brilliant and creative thinking individuals I know. He taught me how to treat people, manage treatment teams, and become a better person , therapist and a parent. He was also instrumental in helping my daughter Jeannine get through some challenges in her early adolescent years. His guidance helped Jeannine  eventually find her path and focus. I took Jeannine to see Don the day before he crossed over. His body was ravaged with cancer,but his spirit was irrepressible. I will always remember the smile on his face when he saw Jeannine. He called her "kid"; Jeannine loved him as a second father.  I loved Don too, and still do.

As I have written in my previous blogs ,Jeannine died at the age of 18 on 3/1/03 due to a rare form of cancer. As I looked over the correspondence that I collected from staff between 2002 and 2003             ( particularly in that 10 month time frame from diagnosis to death), the common denominator that I discovered was that it put a smile on my face. I will keep that correspondence because it is a reminder that we can find light in our darkest days and eventually that light transcends to hope and a desire to make our lives meaningful again. It will also remind me to tell the newly bereaved that it is ok to smile and that smiling does not disrespect the memory of our loved ones.

Sorting through my work files, represents for me a work-life review. I hope to discover many more connections and lessons that will serve me, my students and bereaved individuals well as I prepare to embark on a new chapter in my life.

We can learn from everything.  Wishing you all peace and enlightenment.

To Remember is Human

As I am now entering the tenth year of my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child ,I realize that my perspective on many things related to life and death have changed.  Today I had this revelation about the expectations that we place on remembering. In this context, I am referring to those individuals who don't acknowledge our children on those special days such as birthdays and angelversary dates. I started thinking about this when a friend of mine(and one whom loved Jeannine dearly when she was alive) apologized to me because she forgot to acknowledge Jeannine's angelversary(3/1) ,this year. This is a woman who several times a year acknowledges the love that she has for Jeannine. This to me trumps her forgetting to acknowledge Jeannine's angelversary date .

The truth be known ,is that as time goes on, more and more people forget to acknowledge our children on special days. Early in grief, their oversights of our children rips at our hearts and tears at our souls. The pain of our loss resurfaces and we may become more disillusioned and confused by the relationships we have with others. Later in grief, people forget. I have forgotten angelversary dates. It is what it is, a product of the imperfect nature of the human experience. To remember is human. It does not mean that friendships have to crumble because of one mistake or oversight. From my perspective, friendships crumble because of an enduring pattern of behaviors that compromise the integrity of the bond. 


On Jeannine's angelversary this year, I received a couple of calls from two of my close friends and an e-mail from a former Utica College student specifically acknowledging my daughter.  There were several of my close friends many whom I have met on this journey, who did not call or e-mail me. It did not affect me like it did in years past, or detract from the joy I experienced from those who reached out to me. Nor did it detract from the activities that I engaged in to honor and stay connected with Jeannine.  I believe that I felt this way because I have begun to release the traditional expectations of remembering in grief.

The essence of who Jeannine was in this life and who I believe she is in spirit is forever embodied in my body and soul. So anyone who either asks how I am  holding up or who otherwise demonstrates  kindness towards me, not only honors me but all who is a part of me. To remember me is to remember Jeannine, and any act of kindness or love directed towards me is directed to her. The friends and acquaintances that I have made on my journey have been wonderful to me and have demonstrated integrity in their actions towards me throughout the years. Their continued validation of me means that they have continually honored  and remembered Jeannine, and for that I am grateful.

 

Permission To Grow

Today is the ninth angelversary of Jeannine's crossing over to what I believe is a new life and existence. Our paths are forever entwined because I know that the essence of who she was in this life and is and will continue to be in her new life will forever be a part of me. I still at times miss Jeannine's physical presence and there were days leading up to this angelversary that I did , but that feeling of longing was eventually replaced by an inner peace because of the depth of the relationship that we enjoy now.

On March 10,2011,I wrote an article for Open to Hope in which(among other things) I shared a ritual that I developed(with Jeannine's help) for her eighth angelversary,involving music that we both enjoyed and which brought back fond memories of our relationship on earth. I spent an hour with music and Jeannine and eventually felt her presence. As I reflect, the ritual last year was about feeling her presence and staying connected.

As my journey after Jeannine's death has evolved so have my rituals. This morning my activities involved incense, prayer and music. My ritual was now a ceremony. I started my ceremony at about 5:30 AM. If you add the numbers 5,3 and 0, you come up with 8, which among other things is the symbol for infinity. I will describe my ceremony in general terms. I burned Native American incense that is designed for,  from my perception, cleansing and purification of the mind, body and soul. The music that I chose for this morning was a combination of instrumental and lyrical pieces that had the same intent as the incense that I chose(or chose me, depending on your perspective). I alternated music with prayer. There were two prayers that I used. One is a Native American prayer that I found that reinforced that our  deceased loved ones are still with us in all forms in the universe. If we are aware, willing and receptive, their presence will be felt.The second was a prayer that I wrote specifically for Jeannine, using Native American influences.  In it, I prayed that Jeannine would continue to develop the wisdom and spiritual growth in her new life to help enlighten others on their life journeys. I had finally in prayer, given her permission to grow in her new life. I also told God that I am fully entrusting Jeannine's soul to His care and guidance.   I also thanked God for his unending faith in me, even when I questioned my faith in Him. 

I tried to give Jeannine permission to grow in her life on earth, and to learn from her life experiences. It felt empowering today as her father to give her that same permission to grow in her new life and to share her wisdom with others who are doing the walk of life.

 There were three words that kept surfacing in my thoughts during the 50 minute ceremony that was developed in honor of Jeannine on her angelversary..........  Birth, Rebirth and Universe. At the time of our crossing over, we shed our bodies ........ but our souls live on, love prevails.

Finally, I want to combine two separate lyrics from two Eddie Vedder ( of Pearl Jam fame and an accomplished solo artist) songs from the sound track of the movie "Into the Wild", which I hope you can all use in your life journey. It goes like this:  Set forth in the universe.... this love has no ceiling.

The Wisdom in Journaling

  I have always been a firm believer in the benefits of journaling.  I journaled almost daily when my daughter Jeannine was first diagnosed in May of 2002 with a rare and incurable form of cancer. This continued for almost two years after her death on 3/1/03 ,at the age of 18.  My early journals were raw, filled with pain,anger and disbelief over the hand of cards that was dealt to me and Jeannine's mother and two brothers.I review those early journals periodically, and sometimes compare where I was then to where I am now. I have discovered today that my past contains lessons that are useful to me today. Plus as parents who have experienced the death of a child, it is not unusual to revisit our emotional pain from time to time.   In the past, I allowed my pain to disempower me, to immobilize me for long periods of time. Today I try to embrace it and learn from it.

Today I don't have a set schedule for private journaling.When I journal now, it is because I am inspired to do so or because of  an experience whose lesson I want to document while it is fresh in my mind.

With that being said, I want to share some  random insights from my journal entry dated 1/8/12. I titled my entry "Random Stuff."  Obviously, I had no plan as to what I was going to write ; the following  is some of what I was inspired to write in that moment.  I will also (if appropriate) reflect on the meanings that they have for me in this moment:

1. Jack Johnson(Singer/Songwriter)- "And if they tell you that love fades over time, tell them that there is no such thing as time." I remember putting this quote on my Facebook page some time ago and also recall now using this in a previous article as well. So why did this thought recycle itself? Well, one of the lessons that I have recently discovered is that truths we have learned previously and assimilate into our experience may resurface as the basis for even more lessons that can help us in our life long experiences as parents who have experienced the death of a child. I haven't yet figured out those lessons, but when the time is right, I will.   Plus, I love this quote because it so reinforces my belief that our relationships with our loved ones are ongoing and permanent  after they cross over. 

2. There is spirit in everything and in everything there is spirit.  Many  parents that I know have been graced with signs from their children(as have I).  Let the signs that you experience not only validate that our children are with us in a different from of energy, but allow you to see yourself as a truly spiritual being. If we can commit to this way of life, it allows us to see life and death differently.  We can change our perspective on life and death, if we choose to do so.


3. Life isn't always fair, there are challenges. I have tried to look at my journey after Jeannine's death today as a series of challenges that will allow me to continue the process of redefining who I am . When I am able to do this, I no longer assess what happens to me in life as being fair or unfair. I believe that when we get stuck in  the fair vs.unfair debate of life for any period of time, we become disempowered to thrive as a result of our struggle.

4. Socrates- " The unexamined life is not worth living."  This is another quote that recycled itself during my journaling session. In this moment, I believe that Socrates is a reminder to all of us that our learning on life's journey, no matter what that journey is,continues until we cross over to a new existence. I have been empowered by the truths that have been revealed to me on my journey , and excited by what this life has yet to teach me.

The Lessons in Transitions

My daughter Jeannine died on March 1,2003 at the age of 18 due to cancer. One of the things that I struggled with during my early grief was anger and guilt over the fact that I was too wrapped up with work and finishing graduate school to see what was happening to her sooner.  Of course given the fact that the type of cancer she had was incurable did nothing to lessen my regret or guilt. I was her father and one of my jobs was to protect her from harm. That was the one task that God gave me as a parent and in my mind, I had failed it miserably. Today, I revisit that place periodically, but choose not to stay there long because of a conscious decision to change my perspective on life and death.  Plus, I can't change my initial response to her illness, I can only hope to learn from it.

Let's now fast forward to January 29,2012. I was driving back from our Compassionate Friends chapter meeting in Little Falls, New York when I got a text from Patty. who is an interfaith minister, a dear friend, and  mentor for and witness to the spiritual path that I have embraced during the last 15 or so months of my life.  When I called Patty, she told me that she felt Jeannine’s presence during her walk on the beach and that Jeannine felt strongly that I needed to pay more attention to our two cats, Bootsy and Angel, but more so Bootsy at this time. I further discovered that paying attention meant being aware of the behaviors that could signal their transition from life to death.

Bootsy and Angel are my daughter Jeannine's cats.  They have both provided a source of comfort and companionship for me since Jeannine's death. I will be saddened when they cross over not only because of that but because of their connection to Jeannine.

 Prior to my conversation with Patty, Bootsy, who is 14, had a check up because he has been losing weight. Our vet did blood work and found no abnormalities. He did note that Bootsy lost two pounds since his last visit (roughly five years ago). He suggested that Bootsy take steroids to stimulate appetite, but me and my wife Cheri felt that the side effects outweighed the benefits. We decided to supplement his dry food diet with canned food, and for now it seems to be working.

On the following Monday the 30th, I instant messaged another friend of mine who I will refer to as  “Mary”,  and during the course of our conversation she told me that her golden retriever of nine-and-one-half years was going to be euthanized on Tuesday due to a brain tumor and other health concerns that were not responding to medication. During the course of our conversation, I began to reflect on our family's journey with our golden retriever Ginger, who we euthanized many years ago due to cancer and a variety of neurological problems. One of the things that eventually hit me was the fact that I was the last person to be present with both Ginger and Jeannine when they took their final breaths, which brought up a lot of painful memories. When I shared this revelation with Patty, she told me rather than being the last person to witness their deaths, that I was the first person to help Ginger and Jeannine transition to a new life. Having this shared with me gave me a new perspective on my pain.

In a subsequent conversation with “Mary" to see how she was holding up following the death of her beloved pet, I also talked with her about how angry and guilty I felt during my early grief,because of my perceived oblivion to Jeannine's cancer symptoms prior to diagnosis.  “Mary” had also told me about the amount of attention  and love that she and her family gave her beloved pet during the process of transitioning. Then at that moment, I realized that the message Jeannine relayed through Patty had additional significance. By paying more attention to the shifts in Bootsy's energy and other behaviors signaling his transition to the other side, I would get the opportunity to do what I did not do with Jeannine.  I could not go back in time and redo how I handled the shifts in Jeannine's energy and behavior, but I could do it now in the present, with her pet whom she loved dearly. I would also have a second chance to learn from my past. 

In addition, this experience reinforced for me the need to continue to challenge and modify beliefs that no longer apply to me in my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child.

" We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience."- Teilhard De Chardin