Recently, I got a nudge to find a song on YouTube by Don Henley called "The Heart of the Matter." It is a song about the challenges of relationships and the pain arising from their endings. Since rediscovering the genius of Don Henley in this song, I have been giving thought to the challenges of relationships, particularly during difficult times.
Fantasy vs. Reality
I believe
that from childhood, the expectation is that we will, in adulthood, meet the
man or woman of our dreams, get married and live happily ever after. I remember
that I had very idealized dreams in high school about what my marital
relationship would look like. In my dreams, it was all utopic. The anticipation
of struggle or pain is not usually entertained in fantasy. If it was, then we'd
be fantasizing about reality, and who wants that?
I have
been married for almost 30 years to a wonderful woman, and overall there have
been some great memories and joyful moments involving our three children and us.
There have also been the challenges of child rearing, finances and trying
to many times muster up enough energy to carve out moments of time for each
other. So for me, my actual marriage was quite different from my fantasized
version, but if given the chance to do it over......... I wouldn't.
The Greatest Challenge of All
The
foundation for which our marriage was based underwent the greatest test of all
when our daughter Jeannine died at the age of 18 on 3/1/03, after being
diagnosed with cancer almost 10 months earlier. I know from my perspective,
that the pain of Jeannine's death was all consuming and self-absorbing in the
early stage of my journey. I was also wracked with guilt and anger
because of my perception that I could have somehow prevented Jeannine's death
if I was less oblivious to her symptoms in the beginning. Trying to sort out
the wreckage of my heart and soul was an all-consuming task and affected my
ability to be present for my self, and my wife and Jeannine's two
surviving brothers. Plus the way I grieved was different from the way
Cheri grieved and we both had to work to understand our unique styles and
support them.
Still Standing After All These
Years
Cheri and
I are still married and in many ways our relationship has become stronger in
the aftermath of Jeannine's death. I believe that it is because our love
and respect for each other never waned and in many ways became stronger.
Separately we were able to find our own unique ways to deal with Jeannine’s
death and together talk about them.
I also
want to share some other observations about what I think may be helpful to
couples who are dealing with catastrophic loss.
There is empowerment when couples are allowed to
express their own unique experiences or perceptions outside of their relationship
Everyone
has their own stories to tell and their own unique perceptions that drive those
stories. The contract of marriage does not imply that the husband should
routinely represent his wife’s reality about their son /daughter’s death and
vice versa. As a human service
professional, I have seen the resentment first-hand of clients whose reality I
have attempted to interpret. I
have learned to let the experience of my clients unfold and work with it
non-judgmentally. I would encourage all couples to do the same in their
relationships.
We all need a little tenderness
In
"The Heart of the Matter," Don Henley sings that, We all need a little tenderness. How can love survive in such a
graceless age? Tenderness towards self and others is
a requirement of our life long grief journey. It is important that we
recognize and honor what we can or cannot do in our grief journeys and what are
spouses can or cannot do as well. Supporting without question, each
other's unique expression of grief as well as understanding limitations is not
only an act of grace and unconditional love but also a step towards becoming
spiritually aware.
Forgiveness
Henley’s
song also alludes to the importance of forgiveness even in the aftermath of
relationship breakups. In the best of
relationships, things may be said and done that profoundly hurt the other
person. Particularly when catastrophic loss occurs, our emotions are raw and our
thoughts are confused. We may just
be angry at the world. It is never too late to own our behavior with our
spouses or others who we believe were affected by it. To acknowledge our mistakes with others
genuinely, allows us to acknowledge our humanness and in the process promotes
more intimacy with those whom we love.
Forgiveness,
though, can be more challenging with people whom we believe have irreparably
hurt us. In every relationship there are lessons we have learned or gifts that
we have received that can help us navigate the uncertain world of grief after
the death of a loved one. I
believe that acknowledging those gifts not only helps us to adjust to loss, but
also in the process constitutes acts of forgiveness towards those with whom we
had prior conflict.
Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all
children of chance, and none can say while some fields will blossom and others
lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your
differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices in life no more
easily made. And give. Give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give
is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than how is
shared, and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace.”
