A Day Of Rebirth

Unconditional and  Never-Ending Love
Today marks the eleventh angelversary date of my daughter Jeannine's death. In this moment, I look at her death as a rebirth into a new life in a world that is governed by unconditional, never-ending love, bliss and the absence of malice and rancor.  Jeannine and I share a pure spiritual relationship that embodies all of those positive qualities that are in her world.  I do at times yearn for her physical presence, and I believe she at times yearns for mine. Whenever I receive a sign from her ,I like to believe it is because she yearns for my physical presence, as well as the physical presence of my wife and two sons.  When a spirit makes themselves known to you, they are making themselves known to all that is a part of you.

The Gift of Peace
This morning I spent some quiet time inviting Jeannine into my sacred space and sharing my gratitude for the relationship that we continue to share and the teachings that she continues to reveal to me about life, death and the value of a life.  I also encouraged her to continue to evolve spiritually and if she so chose, to make herself part of the universal intelligence that guides all who walk in awareness to do so with honor and integrity and to help them  inspire others to do the same. To empower Jeannine to continue to evolve in her new life, is the greatest gift that I can continue to give her as her father. It is the greatest gift that I can give to myself,  for it is the gift of peace.

Changing our Inner Landscape

I had an appointment to get my hair cut( actually to get all of them cut), when I looked at the landscape around me and commented to Jeannine that not much changed since her day of rebirth,but that it was OK, nonetheless. That is the cool thing about nature, that there is a consistency in landscape, a landscape characterized by unconditional beauty that we can find anywhere we look. Of course, after our loved ones cross over, the pain ,anger,  and disconnectedness that we experience clouds our perspective and contributes to us overlooking  the magnificence of nature. However, once our inner landscape is transformed because of our desire and intent to see death differently, we again begin to appreciate nature's splendor and beauty. So our transformed selves, allows us to see the same things differently.

Starting Year 12

Jeannine crossed over on 12:30am on March 1,2003. As of 12:31 am, I started year 12 of my new life path without her physical  presence. Here are my thoughts as I begin year 12:

•  I can't believe that it has been 12 years.
•  I look forward to the day when I can begin eternity with Jeannine and with my ancestors who have entered eternal life before her. I am not however in a hurry to begin that next phase of my existence. I am inspired about what Jeannine has taught me in spirit. I want to continue to be inspired and to inspire others for as long as I am permitted to do so. I also have a wonderful wife and life partner and two amazing sons, whose lives I want to be a part of for as long as I am permitted to do so.
•  My present moments become more enriched when the past serves as my teacher. My future will also be  enriched as long as I continue to be mindful of this truth.
• There is a great line from one of the characters in a book by John Green, called : The Failure in Our Stars.  The line is : "Pain demands to be felt."  There were many times in early grief after Jeannine's death that I did not acquiesce to pain's demands. It was only when I could honor my pain, that my metamorphosis began.
•  Every emotion that we experience , both positive and negative, is a crucial piece in the mosaic that comprises the path we walk after the death of our loved ones. We can learn from everything.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me ,validated me and loved me during the past 11 years of my life. Without you, I could not embrace the path I currently walk and will continue to walk.

Wishing you peace.

Life in the Cat Lane

Animal Zen
Animals have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  I have been both a dog and cat owner,and every time one of them died, the pain of grief was intense . It was equivalent to losing a member of my family. I have always valued my pets as loyal and faithful companions but never really gave much thought until recently about the valuable teachings that they reveal to us. I became aware of the teachings from the animal kingdom during approximately the last three years of my life. These teachings have helped me develop clarity during my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child. Today, I have four cats in my household, two who belonged to my deceased daughter Jeannine, and two whom I have recently inherited from my son and Jeannine's oldest brother Dan. Each one of them have unique personalities and are ,in their own way, zen masters. I will proceed to tell you about each one of them and the teachings that I have discovered through our relationship . I have included pictures and a phrase next to their name that describes their greatest quality, and/or exemplifies their most significant teachings.

Bootsy/The Shadow

Bootsy was a Christmas gift to my daughter Jeannine from her best friend. He is 16 years old , and was a major comfort to me after Jeannine's death. He slept with me and made sure he got me up every morning(He still does). Bootsy was also my shadow and a protector, following me everywhere I went in the house. A couple of years ago, Bootsy ,who is a long lanky cat anyway, began to lose weight. Our veterinarian had talked about putting him on steroids to promote weight gain, but my wife Cheri and I opted to supplement his dry cat for with canned food. I made sure that he was fed small portions of canned food at least 3-4 times per day. Bootsy took care of me, now it was my turn to take care of him . Shortly thereafter ,he began to gain some weight and thrive. Bootsy nurtured the care taking side of me and in the process helped me address the feelings of inadequacy that I had because of my perception that I was an inadequate caretaker for my daughter during her illness.  Bootsy helped me realize that being Jeannine's caretaker was not my role in our relationship. I discovered that it was more important for me as  to allow her to make adult decisions not only during her illness but throughout her adult life, while providing emotional support and presence. 

Angel/Patience

Jeannine and I found Angel huddled under a mobile home about 15 years ago. Angel couldn't have been no more than six months old when we found her.  Angel has this great quality of being able to sit in the quiet for hours on end,and many times purrs without any stimulation from the humans who share a house with her.  She teaches me about the ongoing importance of being able to patiently sit in the quiet and experience the highs and lows of my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child. Angel also is also testimony to the fact that happiness truly comes from within.

When Bootsy and Angel die, my grief may also be intensified because of their connection to Jeannine. I will just need to remember the importance of sitting in the quiet as a way to develop clarity about my thoughts and feelings.

Zoey/ High Energy

Zoey, who is seven years old ,was one of the two cats that we inherited from my son Dan. Zoey is a high energy cat who attends to every waking moment as if it is the greatest adventure of her life. There is no moment in the day that she does not want to be a part of, regardless of how insignificant it may seem to me or the other humans in my life. She also loves to cuddle and is one of the most affectionate cats I  have ever been around. Zoey has reinforced for me the importance of experiencing as much joy in the present moment as we can, and that the basis of transformation due to life challenges is being able to give and receive love,without conditions attached.

Nitske/Safety First

Nitske ,who is also seven years old was acquired by my son at the same time as Zoey. Nitske got her name because as a kitten, she was found in a paper bag on the side of the road in a town in Upstate New York called Niskayuna. Nitske is by nature a nervous,skittish cat until she becomes comfortable with her surroundings and the people in it. I quickly discovered that she would become easily startled,   even if I spoke  in an normal tone of voice, or made a sudden move to pet her.  I began to talk softly to her, telling her that she was safe with us and to explore her surroundings freely , without fear.  She  began to acclimate, became more relaxed and receptive to being petted..  Nitske reminds me that individuals who have experienced trauma from abuse and other catastrophic events need to be in an environment where they feel safe to disclose and just be who they are. Safety helps us become empowered; empowerment helps us shift our perspective during challenging times.   Nitske  also teaches me to continue to be aware of others limitations and to work with them constructively.


Every species of animal has their own unique characteristics and teachings that can help us change our perspective following the challenges presented by the death of a child and other life transitions. We just need to be open to the idea that clarity can be attained through the teachings of our four legged friends.

“Some people talk to animals. Not many listen though. That's the problem.” 

― A.A. Milne- Winnie the Pooh

Some Suggested Resources
For those who wish to explore further the empowerment that occurs as a result of our connections with the animals in our lives, I would recommend  the following books:

Animal Speaks, by Ted Andrews
Medicine Cards, by Jamie Sams
Dancing Otters and Clever Coyotes by Gary Buffalo Horn Man and Sherry Firedancer

An Undeniable Thread of Connection: Mother, Daughter, Sting and Thomas Cole

Sadie and Sting

My mother Sadie Roberts died at age 77, on March 11, 1994 of a massive bacterial infection. For  some time after her death, I listened to an album by Sting called The Soul Cages.  He wrote the lyrics and music to grieve the death of his father. Listening to it was a cathartic almost surreal experience. Sting's music and singing allowed  me to get in touch with the visceral experience that accompanied my mother's death. Beyond that ,I saw no other connection with anything past or present in my life at that time. However as has been the case for me recently, I have looked at my past  experiences through a lens that has been altered because of my daughter and Sadie's granddaughter Jeannine's death in 2003. I felt it was time again to revisit The Soul Cages.

Jeannine and my mother shared a close bond. Jeannine was almost 11 when my mother died and she took it very hard. Little did I know , on 3/1/03 Jeannine would be reunited with my mother for all of eternity.

End of Life Synchronicities

Two priests came round our house tonight

One young,one old,to offer prayers for the dying

To serve the final rite

From the song "All This Time", by Sting
From the album: The Soul Cages

On the day of my mother's death, she was administered the prayer of the sick and last rites on two separate occasions by two priests, one young and one old.  A few days before Jeannine died a young priest and older deacon administered the prayers of the sick to her.  I had always ,before today, viewed my mother's and Jeannine's end of life journeys as separate ,because they occurred several years apart. However, the similarities of their end of  life rituals indicated there was a teaching or teaching yet to be discovered.

The Voyage of Life

And all this time

the river flowed

endlessly to the sea

From the song "All This Time", by Sting

I shared my observations with my wife Cheri about the almost identical rituals that were conducted at the end of life with our mother and daughter. She immediately directed my attention to four portraits on our wall, depicting The Voyage of Life by Thomas Cole. The following information has been retrieved from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Voyage_of_Life:

The Voyage of Life, painted by Thomas Cole in 1842, is a series of paintings that represent an allegory of the four stages of human life: childhood, youth, manhood, and old age.Allegory is a literary device in which characters or events in a literary, visual, or musical art form represent or symbolize ideas and concepts. The paintings follow a voyager who travels in a boat on a river through the mid-19th-century American wilderness. In each painting, accompanied by a guardian angel. The voyager rides the boat on the River of Life. The landscape, corresponding to the seasons of the year, plays a major role in telling the story.  In childhood, the infant glides from a dark cave into a rich, green landscape. As a youth, the boy takes control of the boat and aims for a shining castle in the sky. In manhood, the adult relies on prayer and religious faith to sustain him through rough waters and a threatening landscape. Finally, the man becomes old and the angel guides him to heaven across the waters of eternity. 

The River of Life manifests differently in each of the paintings as  the voyager progresses through the four stages of life: 

To the child,the river is smooth and narrow, symbolizing the sheltered experience of childhood. To the youth, the calm river becomes rough, choppy, and full of rocks. In manhood, the youth has grown into an adult and now faces the trials of life. The river has become a terrible rush of white water with menacing rocks, dangerous whirlpools, and surging currents. The warm sunlight of youth has been clouded over with dark and stormy skies and torrential rains. The trees have become wind-beaten, gnarled, leafless trunks. The fresh grass is gone, replaced by hard and unforgiving rock.The final painting Old Age, is an image of death. The man has grown old; he has survived the trials of life. The waters have calmed; the river flows into the waters of eternity. The withered old voyager has reached the end of earthly time. In the distance, angels are descending from heaven, while the guardian angel hovers close, gesturing toward the others. The man is once again joyous with the knowledge that faith has sustained him through life. 

Awestruck

I am in awe that both young and old were represented in almost identical fashion during both my mother's and daughter's end of life journey. There is an undeniable thread of connection between their transitions from life to death. There is also no denying that my mother's and daughter's voyages of life contained many moments of joy as well as many significant challenges, which at times made their waters rough .  I also believe that their faith in God or a higher power sustained them until their earthly time ended and their eternal time began. Jeannine's voyage of life was short in terms of human law, but not on the depth of her experience.

 I also discovered insights regarding life and death through Sting's 20th century music and Thomas Cole's 19th century art, two different forms of expression in two different eras.  When there is that much clarity between the past and present, the past not only becomes our teacher,but experienced almost simultaneously in the present. 

“I know this much: that there is objective time, but also subjective time, the kind you wear on the inside of your wrist, next to where the pulse lies. And this personal time, which is the true time, is measured in your relationship to memory.” 

Julian Barnes- The Sense of an Ending

Perhaps the insights we develop when revisiting past events in our life is not due to recalled memories but evolved memories. Because of the teachings that I  have continually discovered during my journey following Jeannine's death, memories of past events have different meanings for me   As more teachings continue to be revealed , my past memories will develop additional or totally changed meanings for me.Recalled memories in its pure form can at times, be painful because of the trauma that is attached to them. Evolved memories come from a greater understanding of the synchronicities in the universe and help an individual develop clarity during his/her life experience, while dealing with the challenges presented by death or other life altering transitions.