The Wisdom in Journaling

  I have always been a firm believer in the benefits of journaling.  I journaled almost daily when my daughter Jeannine was first diagnosed in May of 2002 with a rare and incurable form of cancer. This continued for almost two years after her death on 3/1/03 ,at the age of 18.  My early journals were raw, filled with pain,anger and disbelief over the hand of cards that was dealt to me and Jeannine's mother and two brothers.I review those early journals periodically, and sometimes compare where I was then to where I am now. I have discovered today that my past contains lessons that are useful to me today. Plus as parents who have experienced the death of a child, it is not unusual to revisit our emotional pain from time to time.   In the past, I allowed my pain to disempower me, to immobilize me for long periods of time. Today I try to embrace it and learn from it.

Today I don't have a set schedule for private journaling.When I journal now, it is because I am inspired to do so or because of  an experience whose lesson I want to document while it is fresh in my mind.

With that being said, I want to share some  random insights from my journal entry dated 1/8/12. I titled my entry "Random Stuff."  Obviously, I had no plan as to what I was going to write ; the following  is some of what I was inspired to write in that moment.  I will also (if appropriate) reflect on the meanings that they have for me in this moment:

1. Jack Johnson(Singer/Songwriter)- "And if they tell you that love fades over time, tell them that there is no such thing as time." I remember putting this quote on my Facebook page some time ago and also recall now using this in a previous article as well. So why did this thought recycle itself? Well, one of the lessons that I have recently discovered is that truths we have learned previously and assimilate into our experience may resurface as the basis for even more lessons that can help us in our life long experiences as parents who have experienced the death of a child. I haven't yet figured out those lessons, but when the time is right, I will.   Plus, I love this quote because it so reinforces my belief that our relationships with our loved ones are ongoing and permanent  after they cross over. 

2. There is spirit in everything and in everything there is spirit.  Many  parents that I know have been graced with signs from their children(as have I).  Let the signs that you experience not only validate that our children are with us in a different from of energy, but allow you to see yourself as a truly spiritual being. If we can commit to this way of life, it allows us to see life and death differently.  We can change our perspective on life and death, if we choose to do so.


3. Life isn't always fair, there are challenges. I have tried to look at my journey after Jeannine's death today as a series of challenges that will allow me to continue the process of redefining who I am . When I am able to do this, I no longer assess what happens to me in life as being fair or unfair. I believe that when we get stuck in  the fair vs.unfair debate of life for any period of time, we become disempowered to thrive as a result of our struggle.

4. Socrates- " The unexamined life is not worth living."  This is another quote that recycled itself during my journaling session. In this moment, I believe that Socrates is a reminder to all of us that our learning on life's journey, no matter what that journey is,continues until we cross over to a new existence. I have been empowered by the truths that have been revealed to me on my journey , and excited by what this life has yet to teach me.

The Lessons in Transitions

My daughter Jeannine died on March 1,2003 at the age of 18 due to cancer. One of the things that I struggled with during my early grief was anger and guilt over the fact that I was too wrapped up with work and finishing graduate school to see what was happening to her sooner.  Of course given the fact that the type of cancer she had was incurable did nothing to lessen my regret or guilt. I was her father and one of my jobs was to protect her from harm. That was the one task that God gave me as a parent and in my mind, I had failed it miserably. Today, I revisit that place periodically, but choose not to stay there long because of a conscious decision to change my perspective on life and death.  Plus, I can't change my initial response to her illness, I can only hope to learn from it.

Let's now fast forward to January 29,2012. I was driving back from our Compassionate Friends chapter meeting in Little Falls, New York when I got a text from Patty. who is an interfaith minister, a dear friend, and  mentor for and witness to the spiritual path that I have embraced during the last 15 or so months of my life.  When I called Patty, she told me that she felt Jeannine’s presence during her walk on the beach and that Jeannine felt strongly that I needed to pay more attention to our two cats, Bootsy and Angel, but more so Bootsy at this time. I further discovered that paying attention meant being aware of the behaviors that could signal their transition from life to death.

Bootsy and Angel are my daughter Jeannine's cats.  They have both provided a source of comfort and companionship for me since Jeannine's death. I will be saddened when they cross over not only because of that but because of their connection to Jeannine.

 Prior to my conversation with Patty, Bootsy, who is 14, had a check up because he has been losing weight. Our vet did blood work and found no abnormalities. He did note that Bootsy lost two pounds since his last visit (roughly five years ago). He suggested that Bootsy take steroids to stimulate appetite, but me and my wife Cheri felt that the side effects outweighed the benefits. We decided to supplement his dry food diet with canned food, and for now it seems to be working.

On the following Monday the 30th, I instant messaged another friend of mine who I will refer to as  “Mary”,  and during the course of our conversation she told me that her golden retriever of nine-and-one-half years was going to be euthanized on Tuesday due to a brain tumor and other health concerns that were not responding to medication. During the course of our conversation, I began to reflect on our family's journey with our golden retriever Ginger, who we euthanized many years ago due to cancer and a variety of neurological problems. One of the things that eventually hit me was the fact that I was the last person to be present with both Ginger and Jeannine when they took their final breaths, which brought up a lot of painful memories. When I shared this revelation with Patty, she told me rather than being the last person to witness their deaths, that I was the first person to help Ginger and Jeannine transition to a new life. Having this shared with me gave me a new perspective on my pain.

In a subsequent conversation with “Mary" to see how she was holding up following the death of her beloved pet, I also talked with her about how angry and guilty I felt during my early grief,because of my perceived oblivion to Jeannine's cancer symptoms prior to diagnosis.  “Mary” had also told me about the amount of attention  and love that she and her family gave her beloved pet during the process of transitioning. Then at that moment, I realized that the message Jeannine relayed through Patty had additional significance. By paying more attention to the shifts in Bootsy's energy and other behaviors signaling his transition to the other side, I would get the opportunity to do what I did not do with Jeannine.  I could not go back in time and redo how I handled the shifts in Jeannine's energy and behavior, but I could do it now in the present, with her pet whom she loved dearly. I would also have a second chance to learn from my past. 

In addition, this experience reinforced for me the need to continue to challenge and modify beliefs that no longer apply to me in my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child.

" We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience."- Teilhard De Chardin