Some Lessons That I Have Learned on My Journey

Since my daughter Jeannine died, at the age of 18 almost eight years ago, I have learned many valuable lessons  :
1. The more that we allow the universe to be our guide,the more that our redefined purpose becomes clearer.
2. We do experience joy again in a world that has forever changed because of the physical absence of our loved ones.
3. Look all around you, not just straight ahead. You may find a bright light of hope through a dark cloud.
4.When you open yourself up to a continuing bond with your deceased loved ones, that bond may transcend to others in your life.
5. Shared pain with others who understand that pain is a gateway to hope.
6. Surrender to the journey, surrender my life to God.
7. That the best parts of my daughter are now a part of me. Pieces of Jeannine are now pieces of me.

Take care

Dave

What Dosen't Kill Us

I am sure that at one time or another we have heard the  expression: "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." It is an expression that I believe is meant to provide comfort and encouragement to those who have experienced a death.  Several people said that to me after my daughter Jeannine died.  I had trouble  buying into that concept, and certainly wasn't comforted and encouraged by it. When Jeannine died , I experienced a death of another kind. Very simply, a part of me died when Jeannine did.  In my early grief ,what appeared as strength to others ,was survival to me.  My struggle with Jeannine's death eventually forced me to re-evaluate my beliefs, values and priorities in a world where she was not physically present. I was able to identify a new purpose in life that involved finding meaning by (among other things) companioning other parents who have experienced the death of a child.  So for me it was: "What killed me, ended up redefining me."

Wishing you all peace and enlightenment on your life journeys

The Musical Journey of Grief

First of all I hope that everyone had a very joyful and fun filled long weekend. I have frequently said that no two people grieve alike. I believe that extends to creative ways of expressing our pain of loss as well. After my daughter Jeannine's death in 2003, music was the primary vehicle that I used to express the raw pain of my early grief. It was also my primary means of staying connected to Jeannine after she died. I think that music was a primary form of expression for me because of: 1) my love of it, 2) Jeannine's love of it, 3) the shared memories that we had involving music.  Before I go on, I must tell you that I do not play an instrument and my singing is not pretty on a good day. But I have a deep appreciation for brilliant music and lyrics . During my early grief , a song or even certain lyrics from a song helped me conceptualize how I was feeling and brought me some comfort. Now , during later grief, music continues to provide me with not only comfort, but joy again, particularly when I hear a song that Jeannine and I both loved.

Artists like the Counting Crows, Wallflowers, Tom Petty, Jackson Browne, The Goo Goo Dolls and Jackson Browne have at one time or another been a part of my support community that has allowed me to adjust to the reality of life without the physical presence of Jeannine. Two of the best memories that I have of Jeannine and my life together were at two Goo Goo Dolls concerts.

There are many other creative ways that we can express our grief. I encourage anyone dealing with loss to find that creative outlet that best connects you with your child or loved one. After all it is never about letting go, but always about hanging on.

Let it Be

 During my journey after Jeannine's death, I have discovered that the people who have graced my life, more often than not have found me ,more than I have found them. The opportunities that I have had to be of service to others has pretty much developed in the same fashion.

What does this all mean? Does it mean that if we put no effort into bettering our situation that good fortune will automatically grace us with its presence?  What it means to me is that our ability to make the most out of the present moment, allows us to develop the faith and trust in the universe to meet our spiritual and emotional needs.Trust that the universe knows what we need and will help us fulfill or redefine those needs in time.  My ability to develop faith and trust in a divine plan greater than mine has allowed me to develop more peace, joy and purpose amidst sadness, in a world lacking the physical presence of my daughter Jeannine.

There are days where I do struggle with staying in the present because of the emotional roller coaster that is a part of our journeys as bereaved parents.  But I find now that I am usually able to manage those days better and not beat myself up for having them. Progress made on this journey is never progress lost.


I wish you all the best wishes for a wondrous New Year filled with joy and self-discovery.

The New Year

I want to wish everyone a joyous and peaceful New Year. I am thankful that 2010 ended with my family being safe and healthy. As I get older and due to my experience as a bereaved parent, the material things associated with the holiday have no meaning for me. What I value now is the connections that I make with others.

Wishing you all peace.

Dave

The Cab Ride

 First of all I hope you all are having a peaceful and joyous holiday season. I was sent a link to this story by Kent Nerburn called "The Cab Ride." Nerburn's story is a very moving account of the powerful effect of an unsolicited act of kindness .
I have listed the link below.
Take care 




http://www.uuwestport.org/Readings/cab.html

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting

Hi everyone:
This coming Sunday , The Compassionate Friends will have its worldwide candle lighting event. Candles are lit at 7pm local time. This event unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. I would encourage you to find a candle lighting ceremony in your area. They are beautiful, poignant experiences. If you can't get to a ceremony please light a candle in honor of your child or a child who has touched your life. Lighting a candle will . Please help to ensure that the memories of our children will live on.

I wish you all peace.